Things have been really awkward for me... I don't even know where to begin; I've been writing a book, I have about sixteen chapters ready. I don't know where I'm going with it...
I need to get my thoughts together before I sit down and write a bunch....

So I told Clinton that I liked him and he didnt' really say much except that he was back with his girlfriend, so I'm not going to respond, I'd rather not...
I partied last night... mainly because I depressed over it.
I didn't really want to, because I'dbeen drunkf or over a week and yesterday was my first sober day..but yeah, I'm lame, I don't know what to do. I'm starving.

Get a real job
Keep the wind to your back and the sun on your face
All the immediate unknowns
Are better than knowing this tired and lonely fate
Does he love you?
Does he love you?
Will he hold your tiny face in his hands?

I guess it's spring, I didn't know
It's always seventy-five with no melting snow
A married man, he visits me
I receive his letters in the mail twice a week

And I think he loves me
And when he leaves her
He's coming out to California

I guess it all worked out
There's a ring on your finger and the baby's due out
You share a place by the park
And run a shop for antiques downtown

And he loves you
Yeah he loves you
And the two of you will soon become three
And he loves you
Even though you
Used to say you were flawed if you weren't free

Let's not forget ourselves good friend
You and I were almost dead
And you're better off for leaving
Yeah you're better off for leaving

Late at night
I get the phone
You're at the shop sobbing all alone
Your confession it's coming out
You only married him
You felt your time was running out

But now you love him
And your baby
At last you are complete
But he's distant and you found him
On the phone pleading saying "Baby I love you
And I'll leave her and I'm coming out to California"

Let's not forget ourselves good friend
I am flawed if I'm not free
And your husband will never leave you
He will never leave you for me

It's her dream
she's sitting there, waitingn to see him..
he said his hello
is that all she gets, just blank hello and nothing more?
it breaks her heart, really.
She can't handle his sudden withdrawl
it makes her remember the past
the dreams and thoughts that were shattered

I'm going to compile a list of things I want to do int he next five years!
Here goes:

1. Get the balls to publish some of the things I've written
2. Buy a bookshelf
3. Have a "relationship" which lasts longer than a month
4. Not use AIM for 2 days straight
5. Stop using myspace
6. Fill an entire journal, I've many half-filled.
7. Get a new phone
8. Move away from the Bay-fucking-Area
9. End things entirely with every person causing me dramatic friendships, if you will?
10. Be more musically closed-minded
11. Not be so grammatically anal
12. Stop calling everything/everything babydog, or baby something.
13. Stop updating my journal every five minutes
14. Stop writing the times of all my entries in a hand written journal
15. Finally do my dishes
16. Do laundry on a regular basis
17. Finish school?
18. Take MORE literature courses
19. Attend the courses I have...
20. Take showers daily
21. Get away from my father and his tyrant ways
22. Stop using my cell phone on a daily basis
23. Meet people who don't make me cry everyday
24. Make good on all the favors I owe people
25. Make good with my parents
26. Make my bed, on occassion?
27. Stop laying in bed all day, crying.
28. Get a regular sleep schedule
29. Tell people how I feel about them
30. Stop liking Clinton Larson
31. Shave sometimes?
32. Clean my house, more often.
33. Buy a new lamp
34. Get another charger for my gba.
35. Fuck Trae, in the ass, with a dildo.





I'll add more later, there are a lot of things I'd wish to do int he next five years... afterall, it is five years, yeah?

he pulls her hair, pushes her...
they're playing, it's sweet
she remembers his soft kisses on her eyes.
his loving
the way he would twirl her hair while she cooed and nustled into his chest
she thinks about those times
the times that she love dhim
it doesn't go away
she still lvoes im, as hard as she pushes him away
she cries remembering their love
remembering the love they had
the way he said her name...

This slight daze in my eyes..
sitting with my theasaurus on my desk
i feel like a journalist
a writer, perhaps
this is what i live for
this simple thought of the creation that is about to flow from my pen
i'm so determined
yes, so? it's my work
i'm not ready to let it out
it's my ability..
i choose to keep it to myself..
it's mine.

he said her name like he usedto when they were in love
it felt so far away
he doesn't love her anymore
he'll never love her the same way he did..
she couldn't deny that love
she couldn't deny the way he called her name..
she watches him scurry about like he did all those years before
she just wants to hold his hands..
kiss his lips..
the lips she rememebrs..

You scent fills her mind, warms her heart.
the scent of your skin, the taste.
she remembers tasting your skin as she kissed every part of you
running your fingers down her spin
her eyelashes brushing your chest
she wouldn't trade this memory for the world
this pure thought of their love
the deep emotion that went into a simple kiss
their kiss was simple, and pure
and yet so deep, sweet, and mysterious...

She sits up, sighs.
Brushes the hair from her face

yet another morning wihtout him
his side of the bed still untouched
she reaches for a stuffed animal
anything to touch to make herself feel alive.
she hasn't in months
she turns up her music,
cries into her pillow
sobs, despair, tears
her pillow is drenched
she touches her skin
her shaking body
she wants to feel beautiful
like you made her feel
she had to be naked to feel beautiful for you
it wasn't the same any other way
you could only look at her when you could see her every curve
every piece of flesh
her tender flesh
ou clay to mold, shape, feel
she could melt into and feel safe
but was this really safety?
being nude?
nudity is dangerous.
her flaws are visibile
she feels lonely,
back to reality, she's alone
feelings delicate,
like whne you whispered her name
form the other side of the bed,
grasped her hand and pulled her close to you
call her name, she needs you, please...

Another time starts now


Looking back on my life, I remember all the horrible times I had as a child, all my heartbreak, lost friendships. my heart could only be strewn about so many times, after that, I'm shattered.
but I'm a strong girl...
rewind to 4 years old..
She opens her eyes, it's another carefree day in her life. Her mother dresses her and her younger sister. She's and her sister are both wearing ruffly little pink dresses. They looked so cute, so sweet, so innocent.

They go to the fruit stand that her family shared with another family.
Two older boys...15 and 17
That's right, much older. She and her sister are told they are to play with these boys again, they have been for the last month atleast.
"I'm supposed to touch you, where?" She said...
He told her to touch herself. He wanted her to touch herself and let him watch.
Of course, she didn't get it, she just does as she's told.
She cries and watches him touch himself on his crotch, not understanding she just lwatches and cries.
She hears her sister crying too, she looks over and the other boy is making her touch him.. on the thing that this boy is touching...
She starts sobbing, so loudly, she asks him if her mommy knows about this, he tells her no, that it's what they're supposed to be doing, that she can't stop it..
fast forward to now... she remembers being told she cant' stop it, by her father. when he would beat her.. she's been told no one can doa nything about it so manyt imes...
rewind back to four..
in the old warehouse, filled with blackwidows and webs. cries of two little girls doing something that they didn't understand. beign told it was right, and htat they should. being told that this was life.. and her mother and father would be angry with her if she didn't do it, or if she talked about it.
She remembers this going on for years, seeing and hearing her sister being touched and herself feeling it.
She remembers numbing herself.. for three long years not understanding.
She starts school, the school goes from kindergarten to 12th grade...
The boys told all their friends... It's life shattering to have a reputation of a slut at 6 years old..it really is.
She gets taunted and yelled at... cooed at, if you will... how does a six year old react to older boys (men to a six year old) wanting her to touch them, and pleasure them, from what she understands...
On the last night they were there...the boys took them to give them a nap.. and took the girls out to the shed. She wasn't sure what happened from there, she was too tired. too distraught to fight it.
it hurt.. she was bleeding down there.
she knew it. she was screaming
and crying..
and passing out
her eyes were closed.
she heard her sister's cries
her sister trying to get away.
we didn't understand.
is that so wrong? we didn't know this was bad.
they told us if we didn't do it.. my mommy would get angry
how can you do this to a child? a small child.
you have to be really sick..







fast forward to 18, she told hermother about it, finally.
she acted disgusted towards her.
like she was the problem.
like it was all her fault and like she was a whore
she cried for hours.


how does a mother tell her own daughter that she hates her?
she calls her a slut for being raped..

When she was a child, her father would tell her she was a klingon, that's right, like startrek.
She would cry about it.
He told her one day she would get those terrible ridges in her forehead and that was why she got headaches all the time.
He said one day they would come take her away.
Of course, this was all a joke, but as you can see from the beginning her father made her hurt.
He isn't the man he's thought to be, he isn't loving, compassionate
He doesn't show it, atleast
When she was a small child, he would hit her.
Her sister and herself would put books under their clothes because it hurt so bad.
They would have bruises...
but why would the towns most lovable man beat his children? they must be playing around a lot, falling down, getting hurt on their own.
It wasn't believable.
And she couldn't tell...how could she? She was told it was right, and there was nothing anyone coiuld do about it, he was just disciplining them.
He moved them to a new city, another town, so many times while she was growing up..
she doesn't even remember where it all began.
She was born in a small town near san jose...
moved to forest hill (near sacramento)
then chico, then clear lake,
then forest hill (again)
then san jose
then madera
coarse gold
oakhurst,
los banos
then back to san jose
to forest hill
to los banos again,
then to half moon bay. those are all the places she remembers...
She's been here for years..this is where all her memories take place
she gazes out her window, tears rolling down her cheeks and chin
'can I really take another day of this? i don't think i can'
she looks down to the welt marks on her arms and legs. she runs her fingers over the bumps. he took her cell phone, unplugged her phone in her room. she wasn't allowed to see her friends or go on the internet...
no, no, she isn't a small child. she's 17
fast forward to seventeen.. (I moved to half moon bay when i was 7 approximately 10 years of his abuse, so far, now I'm 19)
she hadn't left the house for anything but school in months
her eighteenth was coming soon, it was november. two months.
she would cry all day, journal all night...did her friends even notice she was hurting? no..
she isn't even sure they cared.
do you know what it's like.. fake popularity? it's ridiculous. they all pretend to care, they all pretend to love.. but she's been taught by the most fake of them all;
her father.
she can swallow her tears, and bite her lip.
she'll fuck the pain away.
or atleast she'll allow the pain to be fucked away.
she'll fuck herself, and cry.
she remembers those nights when her sister and herself would go out and play all night, until dark atleast
the people they met, the friends they made, it was amazing
she could travel anywhere and have a friend, just from the people staying at the park.
she made friends who made her real friends disappear, the hurt, the anguish, the lies.
all gone with her new friends.


she looks back down to the welts on her thighs, a tear drips down and lands on her leg...
she can't take this anymore...
she decides to go away.
away from her father, her family
she can't stand his abuse...it's killing her
ruining her life.

she drops out of school just days before her birthday
she plans on going into independent studies.. but god only knows.
she's secretly got her ticket to her far away place
her bags are packed
just days after her birthday
she leaves, takes her bags
tears just rolling down her cheeks.
she can't believe she's doing this
she can't hold it in.

Her strongwilled mind is forcing her to follow through..and to her suprised it hurts a lot more than she expected.
she makes a call from a payphone, asking a friend to pick her up.. just a friend.
her ride arrives and she gets in, and is driven to the restaurant. she's sobbing by now, this is all so real
she's left her true home, she knows what she has to do
what her plans are...
she spends a few days with "friends"
being tossed around, her last night is with sydney... she cries all night..
tells her thank you for being there for her.. although she feels so alone tonight.
she remembers all their times together. their friendship, if you will.
the next morning, paige takes her to the bus station and she leaves for this long journey...
journals go with her, heart goes with her, love goes with her.
nothing from anyone else, though...
nothing, really.
her parents have no idea where she's gone,
her sister breaks the silence once she's on the bus and tells them...
how could she? their promise!
maybe she's worried? who knows

fast forward to today.. .I'm 19 years old, crying over my memories wondering why I've done so much in my life.. I've grown up so fast
I've had such deep emotions for so long.. I can't hold it in anymore, I guess a lot of parents beat their children and it isn't such a big deal, from what I hear.. but what about the parents who hit their children with leather whips? who called them names, and shattered their dreams from the time they were small children?
How do you expect me to forgive him for all of this? I have no dreams because he stole them from me when I was a child...
Imagine this only being from my father.. I don't even know where to begin with the rest of my life.. rape, lies, cheap sex, heartbreak..where to start?
she'll figure it out...it's for another time, anyway.

MAD. IM MAD. I hate my friends, really.

When will I wake up from this horrible nightmare? When will I open my eyes and see truth instead of harsh lies. When will I see my knight here to save me?
My dream come true would be being a princess, I want to be asked to be someone's princess. Yes, possession of someone. I've never been a belonging of someone's I'm always needy and too loving and I get pushed away, or I push. I get too uncomforable? I don't know. Perhaps, I need too much and one person can't offer what I need.
Honestly, I can't stand being so needy, and Ic an't stand pushing people away when they try to be helpful and try to be there for me. I get this ugly sense of hate when someone is there for me.
I almost feel bitter, like no one actually cares about me, I don't understand, really. Probably self-hate just blossoming into hatred for others.
Bleh

Burning all over

Tears are welling up, we can see it in your eyes.
We can see your pain,
is it so terrible tof eel this way?
are you so embarassed?
Don't you see that we're just trying ot be here for you?
Can't you feel our love?
Feel anything?

So, last Wednesday Bree came over to San Bruno and we all went tod inner, and we took pictures and such. It was nice and we made plans to go visit her in the next few weeks. From what I understand we are going to see her next wednesday, the fourteenth. I'm excited. I love Bree.
Anyway, here are two of the pictures.

his fingers entangled in her hair.
she feels almost perfect in these arsm
her head rested on his chest
she takes in the warmth the confort
she feels his heart beating
hears it
this hear is making her love him
making her adore him
but how could she not? what's not to love...

Participation is huge



She sees all of them
talking, laughing
having the time of their lives.

Life? Hardly...
her life is so dramatic, drwaring out fights, crying, screaming.
she'll throwing a fit, like a fucking child.
it's what she wants to do, draw attention to herself, she thinks it makes her more desirable.
the attention makes her shine.

Liz is forcing me to go to Speech. I think I'm keeping speech and English, only because I don't want to drop out completely, it sucks. I do'nt even really need speech. I DO need Ocen 100/101 but I dropped it because it's hard. and I just would rather take basic chem/bio and a bio lab. Anyway... I don't know. I'm exhausted and Liz and Asha re coming to pick me up because I'm too depressed to drive myself. let alone leave my house unless I'm forced. I took a shower last night, and I washed my hair. I even brushed it today. I was too lazy tothe last few days. I guess I should eat something today, at some point? I don't know. I have no appettite. meh. I'm going lay down until I have to leave.

I tore down my fort, it reminded me of the times when you were here.

It shattered my heart, you did that.
Once I tore it down, I cried and held my stuffed animals. I held myself and cried into my sheets.
My blankets wrapped around my shivering body, sobbing so loud I'm sure I woke the neighbors.
but do you hear my cries? do you even care?
I call you crying and you just laugh, and try to make things okay. but they aren't, you know they aren't. Even when we do make up, it isn't real and you don't forgive and forget. I can't only try so hard, I can only let you in on my deepest darkest secrets for so long.
What do you expect me to do? Wait for you forever?

You woke me up in the middle of the night, you couldn't sleep I didn't really know what i should say, or feel. I was happy you called, but I wasn't sure if you were.
I wasn't sure if I was a last resort of all your other friends. Just somoene you knew would hold you and love you and make you feel better.
Every breath I take is for you... Why don't you see that? Why can't you understand that it's not just some terrible dream that I'm after, it's you.
I guess you oculd say that you're my dream, but I would be lying if I said I dream about you.
I don't dream about anything, I don't have dreams. dreams would be too dignified for me. Dreaming is for dolls, and ponies.
I can't dream when I'm so unhappy.

I haven't really gone to school all week, I'm far too depressed. Id on't feel well and I'm upset about how things are going in my life. See? I'm even up in time, it's nine and I'm not going, I'm going to crawl back into my bed and get out at proper increments and write in this blog. That's all I have, really. I'm considering going to my English class only because it makes me happy. Only because it makes me smile. and I love it.
Although. I've missed so much that it would be pointless. I don't konw. anyway... I'm talking to Trae, all he does is whine about Autumn, who is this Autumn girl anyway? She says that she doesn't like black guys, but then she hangs around him and plays wiht his heart? That's not fair, he's my friend, she isn 't allowed ot hurt him that way, fuck cunt.
I want to punch her in the face and make her hurt the way she hurt him, I want to let her know what a heartless bitch she is. I want to hit her. I like hiting people.
I fell asleep on the phone wiht Steven last night, I do that all the time, good thing I have free nights, ebcause if I didn't I would have a huge cell phone bill. HA!
I had huge fights with Sprint yesterday, I've called about 9 supervisors and I've yelled and thrown fits, and I decided it was time tot alk to somoene and make a complaint account about all the sprint stores I go to. I got all their names and I called customer care and they told me that a rep would be calling me wihtin 48 hours to ask me about what happened. Although, I want to get them all fired, Ic ant really do that simply because of customer service, that would be dumb. So. I'll be back periodically to write, I may go to class at 11... maybe? :-\

So I spent the day with my sister and she had to take her driver's test, I guess it went welll...but she failed, because she hit the curb? Who's that stupid. I took her and Chris out to dinner, I'm sort of poor now. I don't have more than 100 dollars I don't think Anyway, I haev some bills I need to pay like my internet bill? yeah, cute.
I built a fort and I cried all night alst night inside of it, and I played this morning. I'm going to go play in it now. Fuck you.

Honestly, I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
Although I love english, I am considering changing my major in English to a minor and studying something else instead. I haven't decided yet, hmm.
Things are completely weird lately, I don't even know how to handle it.
Sydney took care of me yesterday, I sort of felt out of place or maybe even unwanted... I don't know, I guess I shouldn't've, but I did. Personal feelings? I guess.
I'm moving back into the trailer, because I begged my dad, sort of.
I don't know, I need to get my stuff right, and I need to take care of myself. I need to help them more, they haven't had a vacation in like.. twelve years. TWELVE.
Goodness, I feel really emotional. It's funny, I hardly write anythign I'm feeling in this journal. Too many people read it, I have this horrid potential while writing in this journal.


The song remembers when...

I'm horribly bored right now, and I have no idea why. I guess I have no one to talk to. I really want Troy to call me, it would be cute. REAL cute. Anyway...
So me and Emerich still aren't friends/talking. He hates me because of some lie I told him.. but in actuality I haven't told him any sort of lie, because I try not to lie to people Ic are about, it makes me feel bad. Anyway...
I'm really thirsty, and the band keeps calling my parents house, which makes my parents think I owe them mon ey when I don't! I deposited money into my account yestereday and my creditcard bill isn't due for like.. a week, I'm paying it Tuesday. TUESDAY! Why would you bother calling my parents house over and over and over and over when they have told you I don't live there and that I won't be there, and blahblahblah. I call them and they have no idea how/why I am calling and they're like.. "Well they would only call if your account is under collection," but no payments were due and I deposited money! UGH!
It's Labor Day weekend. UGH my sister just called me to tell me that wells fargo called again. JUST NOW. WHY? WHY WOULD THEY CALL WHEN I JUST CALLED THEM. UGH!
I am so pissed, I am calling them right now, this is fucking ridiculous. Oh my god.
On a complete different note, I am waiting for steven to call me back STILL. From yesterday, that's right. He still didn't call me back.
David went away for the weekend, and he signed on last night, to say goodnight, that was nice of him. I'm glad we're friends. It's cute. I'm on hold with wells fargo right now, and no one is answering. UGH. I swear if someone asks me about my information one more time I am going to shoot a wells fargo banker in the fucking face!

Tossing and turning.
Sheets and blankets tangled around her body, she yawns and stretches.
She reaches for him, he isn't there, he's gone.
You left her in the middle of the night, how? why?

You left her alone, this isn't her dream, this is reality.
She's starving for your love, affection, thoughts.
She wants you, and only you. Only you.

So, last night. Party at Jen's.

I got there about 9, and no one was there except for me and Jen, boring. Then about 10 minutes later, Matt Vega comes over, he's all strung out on valium. and I'm like.. "Oh god, I know this night is going to be interesting." So we sit, and Jen gets into the shower, I wait for her to get out, int he mean time Matt Vega calls Casey Ward from my cell phone telling him to bring weed, and I'm like, "Matt Vega, you don't need to get stoned, you don't even need to be here... you're already fucked up!" and he doesn't respond, he just laughs, uncontrollably.
So then, Casey Ward is there, and he comes in and immediately plops down on my lap, the usual. I give him a hug, and he gets up and sits next to me and they start smoking. I must have gotten a small contact high, because myheadache went away after a while, which was GREAT. I'm glad I don't really smoke, because it makes me sick, I lose my breath, and I sleep too much.
So then... Jen gets out of the shower, she looks really pretty... I'm like.."Wow, how do I compete with Jen, she's skinny and pretty" :thinks: too bad she's a drug addict and wouldn't be skinny without it, I'm sure. Anyway, THEN a few more people come over, Dana (from the distill), Crystal, Erin, Liz and Ash. Katrina (distill) and her friend. Who looked like Lindsay Lohan, she was prettier, and not on CRACK.
anyway, Liz and Ash and Erin bring alcohol, so far all that was int he fridge was beer. I'm like.. "Where's my bottle?" Immediately I take a Jack/punch mixed drink and down it, and I take about four shots. So then! Everyone is drinking and laughing and we are playing Jenga. DRUNK JENGA is more funny. We're all in order.
Matt Vega, Jen, Dana, Ash, Liz, Me, Erin, Casey. I think that is all... I'm not sure who else was there at that time. THEN! Charleen comes over and she's silly...and it's fun. Mind you, I've had about eight more mixed drinks by then, and almost 12 shots of vodka, and I know I had three shots of JACK, Matt Vega's bottle. Erin and Dana go to get cards and dice. (We never used the dice.) Then, They come back and we play a few drinking games and they bring Gozzy Storms back.. I haven't talked to him in like.. five years. It's really weird, we used to be close but it's niec to see him. I tell him so. and he sort of smiles and we exchanged slurred words. He's stoned. I can tell... he always was. Ha
Anyway. I keep drinking. I ended up drinking smirnoff drinks, more vodka. MORE VODKA. I had about five beers, because I was too lazy to go get something else. I drank a lot... more than I should have.

I called Steven to ask him about Matt Vega and the valium and he says everything should be okay.. but I had some crazy heart problem and it hurt... andI couldn't breath and it was really scary I didn't tell anyone for a while until I felt like I was going pass out and then I looked at Liz and she alughed , thinking I was joking around nd then I alomst fell downt he stairs and Casey was like. OMg are alright, and I go over to him and he makes me breath and rubs my back and makes sure I'm alright. and my FRIENDS don't give a fu ck... I sit there a minute then I go outside and have a cigarette and it makes me sick that I'm smoking but I needed to get the fuck away from the kids inside they were so annoying.
Then Matt Vega gets upset about Jen not liking him and he's all pouty and going up and down the stairs and drinking more, and I know his heart is broken, and we all know how Jen wants Casey Ward and she needs tog et over it. and matt totally deserves her. and I feelt horirble and me and pizzy snuggle matt and rub his back and tell him it''ll be alright and we realyl don't know. I know she has no idea, and I know Jen doesn't like him, but I odn't understand how she couldn't because he's totally sweet and funny, and cute and blahh. Ps. I like Matt Vega.
Anyway, we play suck and blow for like.. three hours. and it's boring, and more drama... more lame, annoying and stupid kids. More dana trying to get on every girl in the room except me and liz, ebcause we're fat... it's sad. Anyway.
This is where the night gets lame.. matt tries to go out the door and leave. to go get cigarettes and we're like.. no don't go and we give him some, and he stays and I try to leave and everyone half-assed tries to stop me and I come back inside for a few, and I leave again. no one stops me. I drive home.. I drove home drunk. I know... I'm totally stupid. I know! Don't bother saying so I feel like a total idiot, but I made it atleast. and I guess I wasn't that drunk I remember all of this the next night. so good job lysa!
So I get home, and I get online, and Troy added me on yahoo.... I'm really happy. I emaiuled my phone numb er on myspace and I h ope he calls me. I hope.. Ig uess that's all I can do.


Anyway, I tell Andrew goodnight and I go to bed. Steven lies and says he's going to bed, but he doesn't. He gets online and stays on until 5am. He's fucking stupid. Avoids me all day, doesn't even think to tell me he's going out at 8am. He pisses me off. He calls me at about 7:10 and we takl for about 45 minutes and I'm like.. hum. and hel et's me go because someone came over. and I know it, and I'm like.. "okay why?" and he's like.. just let me call you back. an dI do, only because I can't stand fighting about it. It's stupid and pointless. I wish david forgot about stupid things like this, all he does is remember things that are stupid and aren't even important. anyway. I want ot watch a few movies and just hang out for a few. I'm going to stay up pretty late wiating for Troy toc all me, and if he doesn't... I'll just wait somemore.
Anyway. Good times.
I told an entire story and I took up about 20 minutes. I think I should probably go grocery shopping and stuff....but I don't know. I don't know how I feel about any of that. I want to save about 30 dollars and get that sweater from old SCHNAVY. anyway. I'm finished