I really like when people who live with their parents and pay NO expenses tell me what I'm doing, and that I don't know anything about money. REALLY, I do!
I haven't eaten in two fucking days and david is telling me that I don't know anything about gas. because he spends SO much more than me. When I know, for fucking fact that he doesn't have to pay for his fucking gas. Because it's for work, and they pay for it.
He is trying to tell me that he has to pay for it, and I KNOW that he doesn't. I fucking know.

FUCK YOU.

I'm having a pretty horrible day. I'm really unhappy. and I can't really stand any of my friends.
I am starting to understand what my father said about friends. Maybe he's right, maybe I'll never have someone whoc ares about me other than my family? But what if my family turns on me.
I've been taking care of my sister, and taking care of myself. I have no food, no money. I have no friends, no paretns. No love.
LOVE what a fucking horrible subject I can't even handle this right now. I can't.
I'm there for everyone. everyone. I can't handle

I'm listening to Damian Rice and contemplating heading to the beach or the park to listen to music and write... Yes. I'm going to.

There is a Monk Marathon on today, I am so excited. SO EXCITED.
Just so everyone knows, my cable might get shut off for a few days, because I totally forgot to pay the bill. I am such an idiot. AND I spent the money I needed to pay it with. College is going well, I got all my books, I got into all of my classes. I am stoked. I got EOPS so they paid for all my required text. And FAFSA paid for all my tuition. I wonder if I could get money for living costs because I'm so poor??? Maybe... Anyway, My sister is due in October it's coming up, she'll be due soon. I'm sort of thinking that the baby is going to come early. But maybe I'm wrong, I just had a feeling, I suppose. I don't know.

My mom is giving me fifty dollars to pay my bill, I think the NEW comcast bill is due a the beginning of the month, but maybe not. I don't know....
Back to Monk!
Work at 2, HOMEWORK DAY! <333

no hero in he skies.
I can't take my eyes off of you.


I can't take my eyes off of you.


I can't take my eyes off of you.


I can't take my eyes off of you.

Can't take my eyes off of you.

Can't take my eyes off of you.
So it is...
Just like you said, it should be.

We'll both forget the breeze.
Most
of the time...
And so it is...
From colder water..
The blowers daughterrrr

The pupil in denial...

I can't take my eyes off of you.

He ripped life from her hands. He ripped her everything apart.
"You don't deserve it!" He would scream at her as her entire world crumbled at her feet.

I guess it would be really nice if my friends cared about me. Really nice.

Today I saw Kimmy in my Ethnic Studies class. And Liz is in it.
I sort of feel... I don't know, distant from my friends. All of them
Almost as though I've worn out my welcome, it's weird. I'm sort of hurt.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did.
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did you fell so hard
I've learned the hard way to never let it get that far.

because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt.
because of you
I find it hard to trust, not only me, but everyone around me.
because of you.
I am afraid.

I lose my way
and it's not too long before you point it out.
I cannot cry,
because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
a smile
a laugh
everyday of my life
my heart can't possibly break
when it wasn't even whole to start with


because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt.
because of you
I find it hard to trust, not only me, but everyone around me.
because of youu
I am afraid


I watched you die
I heard you cry
everynight in your sleep
I was so young
You should hve known
better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else you just saw your pain
and now I cry in the middle of the night
for the same damn thing

because of you
I never stray too far from the side walk

because of you

i learned to play on the safe side so i dont get hurt.

because of you

I try my hardest just to forget everything

because of you

I dont know how to let anyone else in.

because of you I'm ashamed of my life, because it's empty

because of you, I am afraid.

So classes start tomorrow.
I have to prepare myself for getting up early. Attending class.. you know? the usual.
I hope I can do this. I hope I can keep up with myself.

I want to, I need to. I will.


Here's my schedule for the semester:

Monday:

9:45-11 History (Which I need to go in and get a add number still)
11:10-12 Ethnic Studies
12:10-1 Speech (Add number, please)
Work 2-8

Tuesday:

9:45-11 Oceanography
11:10 -12 English
WORK 2-8

Wednesday:

9:45-11 History
11:10-12 Ethnic Studies
12:10-1 Speech
NO WORK

Thursday:

9:45-11 Oceanography
11:10-12 English
NO WORK
LAB 6:30-9:30 Ocen. (Add Number)

Friday:

9:45-11 History
11:10-12 Ethnic Studies
12:10-1 Speech
WORK 2-8

Saturday:

WORK 2-8

Sunday:

WORK 2-8

Lather, rinse, repeat. Weekly.


I've planned out my next four semesters, then I transfer.
Next Sprint, that is, if I get into the speech and history class this semester.
I'm hopeful, though.
In spring, a lot of my class thinned out on the second day. Hopefuly they'll add me if I sit in for the week. HOPEFULLY.

Anyway, This week is when Sydney and Adolfo's friends are coming. So that means I'll be spending quality alone time with myself. Fun times.
I'm sort of lonely already. It sucks.
Adolfo wouldn't buy me a hamburger last night ($1.99), it was so lame. Anyway.

I've really been a cunt lately. I'm just so.. blah. Yay, I found my own heart, I found happiness in myself. What do I do now? Find some new guy who's going to break my heart? Yes, probably. I'm honestly tired of meeting people, going out, dating. I'mt ired of it. I dated someone from school last semester, and it turned out bad. THen I had a crush on someone at school (Adam, in my speech class) and he didnt like me. I knew it, because, I knew the type of girl he liked. perfect girls. I don't know. I'm so disinterested in everything lately. I got school supplies last night. Great, I'll probably need a notebook, but maybe not I can get one later. or perhaps I can get another binder. I prefer binders. We'll see the amount of notes I have in History/Speech/and such.
I got a binder for Oceanography and History. We'll see what I need for English.

I don't know, I really need to take a shower, but I'm totally not in the mood, you know? I'm just not. Bleh.
I've stopped takling to anyone I've met online. I can't do that anymore. I just get hateful and mean.
I don't know, really. I feel like.. I've been so emotional lately. and I mean, it's nice because I haven't really been intouch with my heart for the last while, BUT it's like.. the smallest stupid things upset me so. I can't handle it. I can't!

School tomorrow, I can look forward to that. I'm going to do well. I am. Fuck you.

http://artpad.art.com/gallery/?ielos819s40s

david haley made this for me.

Sydney is coming home tonight. I'm really happy.


I haven't had anything to eat all day. I'm fucking starving.

Day two:
no money no food. i'm crying because my stomach hurts so fucking bad.
i'm going to bed because i can't be awake any longer and be this hungry.

goodnight. .. good? no.

so, I was sitting here last night, freaking the fuck out over my tax forms.
Holy shit. Anyway, I need to run down to my parents house and print them out. I think i'll do that right now. I'm all registered for school
and hopefully I can get into speech/history/and my ocen101 lab. HOPEFULLY.
I don't know.
Maybe Ic an ask andrea if there are any boooks I can borrow for that clsas. I don't want to buy them allllllll. ugh.

So. I'm listening to bad music, and I'm starving.
I have no food, or money to get food.
I have to go sit in on some classes to try and get into them on Wednesday.
and, I have to apply for the fucking fafsa again.
I hate it. HATE.

I don't have money for gas to get to class on Monday. I'm going to sell things to get gas. Or atleast try to. TRY, I guess.
I do'nt know.
Liz and AShley went to the fair and didn't invite me. it hurts my feelings.
I'm sad today.

I think I might start writing a book.
I really like writing stories. REALLY.


and I was listening to Tom Waits today and I heard this song and a lyric was:


"All the stars make their wishes in her eyes."


It made me so happy. Goodness. I am ecstatic.

She feels so lonely.


Just sitting there, waiting.


She can only wait so long...
She can't take it.

She can't. Not on her own.




Her heart will always be his, even if it hurts to bad to say so.

I woke up by myself today. Not that I expected for people to be with me, but I just was hoping I would wake up and the last year would have been a horrible dream.
My hopes are real, just out of grasp.

This will never be a dream, because only certain things can change.

My wishes and hopes hardly come true.

Should I fight to keep myself happy? Why?
I'm terrified of seeing what I have,

so I just shelter myself and hope for the best.

Loving you is so hard, I can't anymore.
I just can't, really.

so this is odd,
a painful realization
that all has gone wrong.
and
nobody cares at all,
and nobody cares at all.

So you buried all your lover's clothes.
and burned the letters lover wrote.
but it doesn't make it any better.
does it make it any better?
and the plaster dented from your fist,


in the hall where you had your first kiss.
reminds you that the memories will fade.



so this is strange,


our sidestepping has come to be
a brilliant dance,
where, nobody leads at all.
where nobody leads at all.

and the picture frames are facing down
and the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening
and keeping you from sleep.

and breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eight.




this is incredible, starving insatiable.
yes, this is love for the first time.
well, you'd like to think you were invincible yeah? well weren't we all once.
before we felt loss for the first time.
well this is the last time.

this is the last time..
this is the last time...

I'm better at writing stories than poetry.
Or I guess explaining things.

and I love typing lyrics. I love writing lyrics.
Or taking other people's lyrics and making them into my own situations.

I don't know.

He's on my mind.
I tried to push him away, we aren't even speaking...
He's all I think about.
I really can't stop it, I can't.


I can smell you on my skin.
and I can taste you on my lips.
I feel your breath and your heart beat.

I can sense you here.

Go away.

I woke up this morning, all I could hear was Caribbean Queen of in the distance. I realized my cell phone was ringing, and I reached for it.
"Work" I know it was my mom. I was hesitant to answer, but I got the balls to do so, and she asked me to come in at 9:30, and work all day for her, because they needed to go pick up my sister, or some such thing.
So they did, and she's asleep at their house, now I'm home from work.
Fucking exhausted, I didn't sleep much last night.
I have Pizzy's keys, I forgot. I guess I need to head over to Ashley's tonight and give them to her. Not like I wasn't going to stop by anyway. I love Ashley and Liz.

My tamagotchi just shit herself. I swear that thing shits more than a puppy.
It's fucking terrifying. I'm at an 8 gauge now. Stretching my ears is fun. It's less painful than a piercing, and just as fun.
At anyrate, I am so fucking exhausted, I think I'm going to take a nap and wait for Ash or Liz to stop by/call and wake me.
I'm starving. I wish someone would feed me, living alone is terrible.

"I have no emotions anymore," are the last words I heard him say. I want to shatter him.
Fucking shatter him.

How can you rip me apart and and think it's okay to blame me for your heartache? HOW?


You're pretending to be emotionless, I know your'e hurt. I know you feel my pain.
I know you want to rip yourself apart. I know you want to die,

because of me. what I said. think, feel.

Breath, he'll let go of you.
He'll make you believe in love.
I promise.

I just found a friend
in one of your lies, to treat me so nice.
I can't believe my bones,
and they say, so many things.
They tell me I am fine.
Believe me, I, I tried.
Ever so sweet, you make this seem
The way things go, it's not my fault.
and I'll miss, I'll miss you so good.
Oh, all of those nights,
we lost our way, back home.

Ever so sweet youbaked it in cakes
for me,
you left me out
it hurts my tears.
bring in the past with the post cards you sent for meeeee
oh every night, it brings me right back down.
can't you see the walls
you built for me,
can't you see the walls you built for meee.
You're not special, you're not special, you're not special.
I'm not special, I'm not specialll.
Ever so sweet, you baked it in cakes for me.
Oh you left me outtt.
It hurts my tears. Bring in the past
with the postcards, you sent for meeeee.
Every nighttttt, it brings me right back downnn.

I eat insides.

I would swallow you whole
but only if I could.

rip you to pieces, like you did to me.

you broke me, I'm unfixable now.


My heart is erased from your lie, no longer here to be torn.

No longer yours.

So. I had this incredible dream that I forgot about until later on this afternoon, last night.
It was a dream about david and I. It was so vivid. I just told him about it.
I'll copy and paste, I'm too lazy.

LYSAA saurus: alright, so, in my dream. I was a princess and i wanted to fall in love with a boy. a prince, i wanted someone to be my prince. there were unicorns, and fairies, and flowers and glitter.
LYSAA saurus: everything sparkled.
LYSAA saurus: then some beautiful music started playing and i met you. and we danced, almost all night. and just walked around this beautiful garden, all night. it was amazing. i woke up and i felt so great. i've had the most amazing last two days. amazing, really.
LYSAA saurus: then, in my dream, we had a picnic, and it was lovely. you held my hand so much, and kissed me on the forehead. i fell in love with you last night.
LYSAA saurus: i didn't want to wake up, but i knew i had to, but when i woke up i didn't even remember it, until this afternoon



sometimes I wonder if I'm a child, I have the most vivid, wonderful dreams. My dreams are always make believe.
I shall never grow up, make believe is much too. can we go far away to the humming meadow?
this place is so lovely, the kind which makes me very happy. Let's go far and away to this humming meadow?

Beautiful nights, sparkling stars, loving hands. Kisses, this is me. This is what I want. This is what I need.

My heart feels together.

Being happy feels so great, I feel free.

I got a tamagotchi today. I am so happy.
Sydney and I are going to play whens he gets back.

Next Monday.

Liz and Ash get back on Wednesday, and tomorrow is my last day of summer semester.

So today, I was talking to Sydney and she told me how proud she was of me, and Iw as going to post the conversation so I could remember it forever, but my fat fingers closed the box instead of saving it, because I am an idiot. Anyway, I also made up with Adolfo today. and I am so happy. I love Adolfo so much. I want ot marry him, please. PLEASE.
Anyway, we're going to get Tamagotchi's tomorrow. I am excited for that, Syd has hers already and she is leaving for Hawaii tomorrow afternoon and will be gone until next Monday. Liz and Ashely are in Tahoe still. and they will be back around Thursday. I am excited. I have one more day of summer session, but then fall starts on the 17th, LAME. Anyway, that's all she wrote.

Okay, so I haven't written here in a while. I decided that I need to update, because I hvaen't been, and I really don't wish for anyone to be reading my livejournal. It's cheesy shit with fake feelings.

Anyway. I've been crying and crying for a few days.
I'm really unhappy. I don't even know why.
I can't seem to express my feelings, and I can't seem to know what I'm actually feeling, it's just all pouring from me in the form of tears, and it's sad. I left Sydney a myspace comment because I missed her. and we went to the park, it was so nice, I missed her so much. Then we sort of took a nap for like an hour, then I went to work, then we went to her house and snuggled with Casey Ward. Goodtimes. ahem.
I have this paper to write, I've been attending school lately. I even went to summer session the entire semester. I missed like.. two days. I am so happy about that.
Hopefully things will get better. I listened to a few songs that reminded me of Keith. Huge mistake. Then I listened tos ongs that reminded me of the good times with david haley. and that fucked me up. I was crying because of Keith, I think. I wish I never loved anyone. It is so hard to be able to express the feelings I have without hurting one person or another. So I just keep it to myself. Good thing no one reads this journal, I would be hurting some people with some things I have the potential of saying. I am so tired. I have class tonight, from 6-10:30. Hopefully I wont have to do anything. BLEH. That would be so boring.
BUT I know I have to write an essay (in class) and finish my other essay (ME) and also I have some quizzes to make up. Unfortunately, on the days I missed class there were a few quizzes that I still need to take. I need to take a math placement test, because I do have to take math courses in order to transfer. and I am such an idiot that I didn't take them both at the same time, So I will have to take them in the fall, and then take a math course in the spring. That would probably be the best idea, I don't want to drown myself in college, like I did a few semesters ago. Ugh.
I am listening to Dashboard Confessional, and crying. How sad.
"You'd like to think you were invincible, yeah, well weren't we all once, before we felt love for the first time?"
I'd have to agree with that faggot. I was invincible before Keith. B efore Bob. Before love.
I actually hate love, mainly because I haven't felt a fulfilled love. I just haven't, really. Usually somethign fucked up happens. He gets a girlfriend, or I lose interest. OR I don't express my feelings in time. I have terrible luck with relationships. Hopefully someday I will find the right person and things will work out, but until then I'll just cry myself to sleep and hope form y someone special.
Have you ever felt like nothing is yours? Like you can't express yourself to a point to feel better, you have to be dramatically vague? I can't stand doing this anymore. I can't, really.
Liz and Ashley and Bree are in Tahoe with some other girls from the Italy trip, apparently. I am excited for them to see the other girls. I wish I would have gone to Italy, it seemed like it was an amazing experience. I am so gladI made up with Liz and Ashley. I missed them.
I was telling Sydney how I never really feel close to them, though. I always feel sort of like a third wheel, and like I couldn't really get into the friendship we once had because we aren't as close anymore. Like, when I lay in bed iwht Sydney, she holds my hand and lays next to me, when I lay with liz or ashley. it's liike.. we aren't even close. They lay on the other sideo f the bed, perhaps they think I am a huge lesbian and are scared I'm going to try some freaky lesbo shit on them. I'm sh ot.
BURN THE LETTERS LOVER WROTE.
The memories will fade. I really need to take a shower. So bad.
I'm really emotionally detached from everything, and people notice that and think I'm jsut a cunt, but I'm not. I'm just never really sure how to express myself. If it helps.. I love you all.
Sydney.. I'm sorry.
I love you.

hirteen random things you like:
1- Dinosaurs
2- Cuddling
3- Animal crackers
4- reading
5- Beads
6- San Francisco
7- Steven
8- Disneyland
9- Seattle
10- Making out
11- English
12- Grammar
13- Meeting new people

Twelve good movies:
1- True Romance
2- Mean Creak
3- The September Tapes
4- Control Room
5- Jurassic Park
6- Crazy/Beautiful
7- Eternal Sunshine For The Spotless Mind
8- Payback
9- Tombstone
10- The Dreamers
11- The Usual Suspects
12- DANGEROUS LIVES OF ALTAR BOYS


Eleven good bands/artists:
1- Wolves
2- Four Hundred Years
3- Yaphet Kotto
4- Kite Flying Society
5- I Hate Myself
6- JR Ewing
7- Rapider Than Horsepower
8- Death From Above 1979
9- The Sawtooth Grin
10- Through The Eyes Of The Dead
11- MERZBOW

Ten things about you ... physically:
1- I'm naturally blond
2- I have blue eyes
3- 5'3
4- I have huge tits.
5- I have perfect nipples.
6- My stomach and hip area is chubby as fuck, but the rest is normal
7- I shave my pubic hair
8- I have more scars than you
9- I have a hangnail right now
10- I am not loose.


Nine good friends: (not in any particular order)
1- Emmy
2- Ahni
3- Liz
4- Ash
5- Trae
6- Lillie
7- daveyy
8- Matt
9- Sydney


Seven favorite drinks:
1- Water
2- Peach pleasure
3- Grape juice
4- apple juice
5- orange juice
6- MOUTAIN dEW
7- lemonade

Six Things that annoy you:
1- Twee pop, raegae, r&b.
2- Mexicans who can't drive
3- People who say they will call and don't or better yet they plan to do something and don't tell you that plans are cancelled/changed.
4- Top 40 radio
5- Liberals
6- Straight edge and veganism

Five things you touch everyday:
1- Myself
2- Water bottles
3- Cell phone
4- Steering wheel
5- Keyboard

Four shows you watch:
1- The Andy Milanakis Show
2- Inuyasha
3- CSI: LAS VEGAS!
4- leguna beach

Three things you look for in a girl/guy:
1- Personality/sense of humor
2- Wants to go on adventures with me or stay in and cuddle me
3- Eyes


Two things you hate:
1- PETA
2- vegans

One thing/person you love:
1- Emni (Ahni and Emmy put togehter.)