There are many people, none of which read this blog... who I need to make good with.

I want to make a list of these people... I will be writing them letters apologizing, whatever I feel I need to say to them before I leave.


1. Dad
2. Mom
3. Adolfo
4. Sydney
5. Liz
6. Aunt Lee
7. Andrea
8. Stacy



I think that's it for now... there are a lot of people I love and I want to say some things to; but I think that can wait until I'm gone.

all of last nights thoughts were a blur
just a colorful mess of tears and giggles
i've never felt more comfortable in the arms of one person


talking about m y grandmother is hard. i'm aware that i have this horrible emotional attachment to her
i'm also aware of my emotions since i've reconstructed my life
i'm much much more ready to cry at the drop of a hat like when iw as a child
throwing a fit to cause a scene
to get what i wanted
everytime i left her house i'd cry like a baby
for years and years i couldn't deal with leaving her...
the truth is;
grandma, i love you more than i could ever love another person, and you mean more to me than any amount of words i could ever type in this journal.

and i know you'll never read this, but can't... you know nothing of it..
but eventually i'll tell you how much i love you. eventually i'll tell you how i feel
when i'm strong enough to handle it myself.

until then... you are in my heart, and i can't wait to hug you.
i love you more than these words describe.
please hold me as dear as i could possibly hold you

keep me safe, keep me warm
and leave me these endearing words to remember forever...

it's been a few days since I updated
I'm really sick
I have a temperature of 103




I AM DYINGGGGGGGGG

nothing will ever be as eloquent as the way he silently leaned toward me to kiss my forehead

closing my eyes i moved toward him slowly
as i felt his lips graze my skin
my entire body felt soft
i felt as though i were clay ready to be made into some beautiful sculpture.

i knew if he's let me i'd fall asleep in his arms
i felt pretty
graceful
i felt as though i'd never felt before
perfect almost-
i looked up into his eyes
shining back at me
i rested my head to his chest
out...

he whispered "she'll be mine forever"

i feel not good.

loving someone that doesn't love you sucks

especially when you know they don't love you

pretty much heartbreaking

there's a scheduled outage for 4pm today...
that is relatively upsetting
thankfully it's only supposed to be fourty-five minutes



i've spent the morning curled up on a blanket with baboo reading
and listening to damien rice.

i guess that's a normal thing for me, damien.
oh, and, by morning, i dind't get up until about thirty minutes ago.

today and tomorrow are my days off and i plan on doing absolutely nothing!

goodday to you all!

i knew that is how it would be



i know because i smelled your lack of loyalty
i smelled it when we met


fear... loathe
distrust
it was all there i chose to look away
and see your good parts
how was i to know it would only last so long...

It's jsut a faint hope




One foot quicking passes the other
heel after heel
right toe, left toe
her heels clicking


she was beautiful
sexual essence like those of betty page or marilyn monroe
the way sher hair bounces
her glowing skin
like that of an angel
the angel with the brightest halo
that's what i'll call her


the most beautiful smile to grace my eyes
i'd love to gave into her chilling platinum pools for eyes
run my frozen fingers through her soft hair


oh, how i wish I could be more like her
be as beautiful as her

while sitting on the park bench
I see the young man-
he's walking back and forth-- alone

I can tell he's miserable by
the weary wrinkles that surround
his eyes when he forces a smile

I wonder if he's ever been in love
wonder if he's got the heart to
show it


he's uses stubborn eyes
looking at a cruel and judgemental world

just the same empty hellos
and half smiles
color drained eyes

his eyes are full of fear
lies
will his despair end
or must he endure it all forever

the truth is, i couldn't stop talking to you if I tried...

the truth is, i couldn't stop talking to you if I tried...

i think that i might break...



i feel unsafe

hold me

i'd like to take some time to tell any reader of this blog that I am sorry if I ever offend you. I don't mean to, if I do....
but I suppose it's your fault for reading it...


I'm listening to sad music
Play list:
Sia - Breath Me
Plain White Tee's - Hey There Delilah
Early November - Ever So Sweet
Juliana Theory - Goodnight Starlight
No Doubt - Running
Azure Ray - November


All those songs have pretty significant meaning for me, and someone from the past.
Isn't it upsetting when you remember something so clearly, but you don't want to.
I'd love nothing more than to forget everything about certain people
but it's hard to make them go away...
I guess it doesn't help that I like to dig deep into my emotions and my soul and write meaningful poetry.

It is also sad when you really believe that a song could be a complete story of how you feel about someone, then everytime you hear that song for the rest of your life those feelings come back. and it's nothing you can help, for some people sounds turn on memories...
and for others sounds do nothing.
i wish i were one of those people... I wish I couldn't remember every detail of a relationship just from one note of one song...
but it happens, and I'll deal wiht it how I can
I won't act out, I wont go into hysterics
I'll act composed, neat, together..
I am together... no one needs to know I'm not...
No one... hush.

she waits;
you left her again
it's as thought this is some sick game you play on her
I wont wait for you forever
it isn't fair
i'm waiting for your response, can't you tell???


ha, of course not. you dont realize i'm speaking
you're too stoned, drunk, fucked
stuck on everything that isn't her
it's painful, really
do you know that you're hurting her...?
you're causing her pain
you do this to her all the fucking time..
it's horrible, really...

oh and, my sister called me fat today.


DON'T FORGET

my sister called me fat today.

my sister called me fat today.

Free write, lit.

success poetry...


success

money, fame, trash, sex
she wants it all gone
fuck money
fuck credit cards
she'll save her way to success
pave it, keep her mind open

this path? it's self help
drug addiction
just put it down

close your eyes. breath.
she pushes those doors open
those golden doors
tears streaming down her pale cheeks
this isn't the end of her journey
just the start
her golden wings
she feels them shimmering
glittering
she doesn't need this drama
no help
just emotion
just love
hush littel girl
her heart is beating, one more fix
she needs a fix, one more hit
she's crying just one, please.
she'll never ask again
never.

methematics and mathemphetamines





be quiet little one, we've been gliding on our romance for years
but;
this flame has almost burn out
nothing but a small spark and ashes left

shh baby, just keep quiet we'll figure something out
this mess will go away
we can relight our burning passion
we're in love, aren't we?

my empty cup means i'm drunk
it means i'm passed out, confused
it means i remember us, you.

i made the mistake...
you lost me
you wont share what i want

but i made this for you, fo rus
i only did it for us...
i thought we were in love
I was wrong...
now i'm in bed, a bottle and glass of merlot on the nightstand
thousands of empty cigarette cartons
you left me to do this?


how could you, baby?

i know it's weird
i skip around, acting happy.
smiles galore
giggles.
she doesn't even know why she's faking it
maybe because her whole life is fake
her friends, relationships
they're all empty... silent
gross
it's all pointless for her

only because i'm so passionate in my writing I am never able to remove emotional attachments from my mind...
i have feelings for people who have broken my heart, raped me, hurt me, stabbed me in the back...
it's just my nature to love the unlovable.


help.. i have done it again
i have been here many times before
hurt myself again today
and the worst part is there's no one else to blame
be my friend...
hold me, wrap me up...

tell me why I'm awake... just for reference it's 10

i'm chain smoking
listening to bad techno.. why?

glancing out that tiny door
she sees her life passing by
her hert sort of sinks low in her chest

i have intimacy issues...
the issue is that I give it up so easily.


SLUT!
WHORE


he called her a whore a slut...
broke her heart
he was her best friend
someone she cared more about than anyone in the world
unfortunately he poisoned her life
he made her into the asshole she's been for months
today is a new day
a new year
today is the day she makes it all right
the day
she loses the poison he put in her, so sly.
she reconstructs her mind, her life...


it's all right little one...
he'll save you one day.

i've spend most of my night listening to damien rice, sad, I know.

when they speak
he feels like our worlds are intertwined
they cant feel each others faults
shes perfeect in his eyes

she feels herself weakening to his touch
his fingers running through the hair closest to her neck
she feels nice in his arms
she feels safe



it's unreal how a person can be so comfortable in another persons arms.
it's almost like a security blanket, but in that blanket, are you really secure?
or is it some mind frame you are pretending to have... you never know until you leave the blanket and see if it is still there when you come back to it

To me celibacy has always been something I was never interested in. Not until recently did I realize it may be something that will help me recontrsust my life. I had been thinking to myself I'd really love to take a healthy/emotion-free break from sex. And with that I'd also be taking a break from relationships. My hope from this experience is to lose all the emotional ties I hold with certain men, and also to gain the strength to make new memories and ties with new people. Considering I've never had a healthy sexual relationship I believe it wil be a good for a change, to use celibacy as a reason for distancing myself sexually from others.
Distance is very important to me, because I don't really like being touched, in a romantic way or a sexual way. I dislike it so much, I guess you could say I hate it. Now, I'm aware that "hate" is such a strong word, and I am aware that it's power is hardly ever used for good... but I can't help what I can't stand. I've dealt with too many disrespectful and bad relationships. I can never differentiate someone who actually cares and someone who is just using me as a sexual object. I feel like no one I've ever been with sexually has really, truly cared for me. I suppose that's balantly obvious when I sit around heartbroken for months on end. Maybe if I didn't always put out on the first date, perhaps if my mind wasn't always set on sexual comments. Or maybe even if I didn't think sex is the only thing about me that is desirable... I wouldn't have a problem forming relationships with men. All the same, perhaps I have a problem because of what may or may not have happened to me as a child. I say "may or may not" because my mind is telling me to forget it.
It is very strange to consciously rebuild ones mind, but I've done it. Since I got out of the hospital I've been super healthy... I gained weight back, and I've even rebuilt my entire personality and views and needs and wants. It feels good to know I did it myself. I grew, I had to hit rock bottom before I could rise. I plan on spending the next three months (the months before I'm moving) to plan out what I want out of life. And also how I am going to get it.
I guess all this celibacy stuff begins wiht me not ever having a "boyfriend" with the title. It was always assumed that I was theirs, but never that they were mine. I just had to deal with what they wanted from me, which was pretty much only sex. It wasn't always romantic, either, It was more of them demanding sexuality from me, and all I did was waste time, energy, and money. I suppose my biggest mistake is letting myself be in these pseudo-"relationships" thinking I need someone to be around. I don't need it. I don't want, or need sex.
Celibacy is my choice. I need to enjoy myself, and find myself before I can continue or even come close to finding someone who would be relationship material.
My next experiment will be not having sex with someone until I'm ready. Which will most likely be six months to a year... I guess I just felt the need to post this for my own health. Basically it is so I know what is going on in my own mind. and it feels good.