well i was pretty depressed. but then SOMEONE said to me! shut up ur getting annoying !?!?! and then I knew I needed to get over it. so now im ok. and I am over it and I'ma bit happier so...yah

I can't deal with people right now! they are killing me. I have to get away from everyone! I'm failing all my classes, and I got suspended from a class today. I didn't know what to do. I am not graduating right now! Tis really bad. I haven't slept in days adn I'm super tired. and I feel like I'm dying. I haven't felt more betrayed by 1 person EVER! I am staying away from EVERYONE and I have blocked everyone on my AIM list. and yah. I'm going now
bye

You are the crying eye. You think nothing out
theres worth it an u just want to be alone. You
know uve been hurt 2 much wen u open ur eyes n
all u see are tears.


The type of pain ur eyes behold
brought to you by Quizilla

kill me now

Sometimes you can't have what u want! other times, you get anything! its funny how much you can want something and it doesn't come to you!?!?! i get so sad that sometimes i dont know what to do with mai self. i just sit here and stare at the screen. other times i'm exuberantly happy. things happen that can ruin a life time. then again things happen that can make a life time. NOTHING happens to me. NOTHING will happen. I am NOTHING. i cant change the past i can only make the future better. i can only make what's real my reality. i can only push things if I obtain the power. THINGS HAPPEN FOR REASONS


This shit is good...I dont know what or why I wrote it but it was what I was feeling so I did it!

im lonely! tonight is our LAST homecoming as SENIORS and i can not go. and then we have the SENIOR class party at Ian's and i can't go. im hella pissed...and i really dont want to go out and hang out with paige and stacy becuz all they do is talking to eachother and sit on eachother and touch each other...its really annoying i get REALLY sick of it!?!?!!? but anyway. im really tired of all of EVERYONE'S shit. it gets annoying all the drama. i cant super sick of it...

THE SONG THATS STUCK MAI HEAD NOW!?!?!

I'm....dyin again, im going under, drowning in u, im fallin forever.., ive got to break through, so go on scream, scream at me, im so far away, i wont be broken again!

i have this amazing writing here it is....i wonder who wrote it! maybe the LOVE of my life sydney tan????


when i think of him it's collapse. it's sweet nights and quiet thoughts. unspoken sweetness and taking things too slow for my frieght train crashes. I want to crawl up within myself, within him and live solely for the tenderness in his arms, in his hands gently burshing my face, fingers tracing scars unseen. Sometimes i feel the strongest urge to say "i love you." But that doesn't mean i love him. I couldn't love him because i know not to love. I know to never speak with my heart, just simply give. I want to give him my heart. Have him hold it in his chest, protect it from my falling ribs. Swallow it down, taste my blood, have a bit of me in him forever. I want him to take me, conquer me, steal me heart and soul. To own me, consume me, to love me so passionate it burns. To need me so much i could break him. But i now that instead he'll break me. Tear me apart and abuse me. I want him inmy flesh, in my body, in me so entirely i could never get him out. I want him to break down my defenses and strip me so i'm vulnerable. vulnerable to any of his words, actions, and neglections.

I scares me how much syndey feels and yes does not SPEAK her emotions aloud. i would be open for lyk 1 minute i would be exuberantly ecstatic....true happiness needs to be expressed or you lose it. it saddens me to know that she doesn't WANT to express her feelings. i am here for her, and she knows it and i know she wants to say somethings...but she expresses herself thru writing much like i do...just i wihsh that she would tell me how she is feeling rather than writing!?!? shes juss such an amazing person i am really glad that she is my friend. it means a lot to have her listen to me. and like me, and juss treat me good. i never have REAL friends and i think that she qualifies as an AMAZING person!?!!

One cherished moment. The feeling of true loves first kiss. Your true emotion seeps through. you become alive. you wake up from the intense sleep you've been in. Nothing else matters. nothing else exsists. i want to kiss his lips. hold him. theres a true essence in holding him. the essence of love adn desire. not realy love but feelings of intense passion. i true to make my feelings subside. i long to feel his arms around me.
Feel his hands on my warm skin. moving me wiht his body. taking me in, all of me untill i no longer exsist. making me unaware of myself and whats going on around me. making al lmy emotions dissapper so that hes the only thing that matters. NOTHING ELSE CAN BE!!!!! while my entire life is being smashed away he hold me together. keeping me from drowning. he makes all my sorrows and dispare deaden. all my happiness adn desires linger and all that is alive is him and me.
i wrote that today...i think that i miss mr. phone sex??
SYDNEY?? does this mean i truly like him??? i don't understand......uhh its too hard for me to think about it. i havent spoken to him for like 3 days now. i am REALLY missing him...he cant call me because he is letting his brother borrow is cell phone. and he has no internet access. i miss him sooooooo much. i just wish that he would call me one time this week. i know he can not but i just only wish!!!?!?
maybe on time?
BAH!?!? I finally admitted to liking Bob, but now I'm over it. haha, i can't even believe that i THOUGHT i liked him. I really thought that i was SICKLY obsessed. I didn't think that I would have gotten over it, I truly didn't know I could feel so freed. I feel like I have taken 100 pounds off my chest. Like I was held down for so long and now I can run away....no longer do I have to hide my feelings. I can speak and interact with how I feel. A lot that had to do with that was telling him how I felt. Then once I told him I could get over it. I dont even feel friendship with him anymore. I feel like he doesn't want to be friends wiht me and that's all that matters to me. So if he doesn't want to be friends wiht me anymore. Then I don't want to talk to him. A good friendship requires 2 parts. love and trust. we have neither~!?!?!!? as follows with MOST of my friendships at the moment. my friendship with paige is NEARLY all based on whether or not Stacy is talking to her. I dont feel like that is a healthy situation. What I do know is that it hurts to think that my closest friends are gone. I still have Em, Liz, and Ash. but Em only likes to chill when no one else is around. or if I go somewhere with them. But she always includes maah sister. I just dun get it. It lyk she aint realizing that t makes me unhappy to be wiht her. I dont enjoy being iwht members of maah family unless I have to. oh my god. so i have been talking ot byron for a while. we talked everyday everynight. I ran maah phone bill up to like 4 hundred dollars talking to him. and now he juss stopped talkin ta meeh. I dont understand what the FUCK did I do. I knew that once he KNEW me, juss like all the others he would run. Never wanting to speak to me, or love me, or be happy with me. Mr. Phone Sex was probably one of the only people who would stay around juss to help me out.. and now he ditches me. he's always like " i have to get going" we hadn't talked all week and when we did it like for 5 minutes and then he had to go. and he hung up on me....im juss like oh LONELY. I ditched mai friends to chill with him and he was juss like i have to go. i dont even know what to do. I got so many feelings of PAIN and sadness that I can't even begin to voice them. I have never been so truly rejected.....well its not really rejection so much as PRETENDING to want me then leaving me alone. i guess taht's not rejection. There is really no point in saying anything about it, i guess that it's really not that important. I guess it's ok for him to hurt me and I guess that my pain and lonliness is alright. Besides it only hurts when I breath and think, and speak and move. ok ok it hurts all the time. I can't believe how many times I have been rejected in the last i dont know, 3 months. this is the 5th boy to reject me. It's like they do or dont want me. GET WITH IT! come on it really is fucking wiht maah head to be put down so many times. Why couldn't I juss accent what I can have and that's nothing. because I am nothing. I feel nothing and I speak nothing. I write all day in a journal about mai feelings and I dont even really feel them. I juss told Bob that I liked him, after I said it I didn't even feel it. It was like I juss wanted to create drama for maiself. BUT WHY???!?!?? There was a feeling of relief juss after I said it. but i think that was becuz i had been lying to myself years before. I liked him like 2 years ago. and then I liked him again like last year? I dont know...junior year was strange. truly I have never hated a time in my life more than that year.
I really need to get with it. and do all my homework. I haven't done any ENGLISH homework and I haven't done any econ work. I still have maah journals from like week 3. its like week 9 now. I wonder if biezad will let me turn them in..huh? I wonder. I am really getting sick of typing to maah self so I am gonna go lay on the bed and juss lay there. PEACE

Sydney is amazing!?!?!? you think that things are so great and then people shit on you....and they say your an asshole when all you do is tryy....i get so lonely!?!? it makes me say. anyways, Help me get through my grief adn loneliness.



SkiTtlE 0s: :sigh:
Fat Lysa62: squared
SkiTtlE 0s: it's a world of not working out and broken down dreams and castles in the sky being drowned out in misery.
SkiTtlE 0s: it's so hard not to get discouraged and just give it all up when the world just keeps attacking and a burden gets heavier and heavier as the days pass
SkiTtlE 0s: and it's like every secret is just one more stone to the pile, one more knife to stab in all those soft places we wish we could protect better.
SkiTtlE 0s: Love is worse than a simple double edged sword.
Fat Lysa62: are you writing this?
SkiTtlE 0s: it's a million lies and burning eyes just tearing hearts apart.
SkiTtlE 0s: :sigh:
Fat Lysa62: your amazing!?!?
SkiTtlE 0s: i'm not.
Fat Lysa62: you are to me
SkiTtlE 0s: and if i am... not amazing enough. no more amazing than the nent one over. t
SkiTtlE 0s: i wrote all of that to you and just copy/pasted it into my blog.
SkiTtlE 0s: did you ever get yours working?
Fat Lysa62: yes, i published it but i dont know where i get my little um link
SkiTtlE 0s: i found it.
SkiTtlE 0s: it's http://lysapizza.blogspot.com
Fat Lysa62: lol ok
Fat Lysa62: thanks mom
SkiTtlE 0s: http://pinkmidnightkisses022.blogspot.com <--- mine.
Fat Lysa62: ok
SkiTtlE 0s: i used to have it all fancied out with a reall nice personalized template but one day i just got mad and erased it all.
Fat Lysa62: yes
SkiTtlE 0s: For the velveteen rabbit to beceom real he needed to be loved to a point of pain, needed to a point of death. torn apart, ripped to peices, faded, jaded, and then rejected. for him to be real he was poisoned, so tainted-dirty-bad and thrown away. his love was useless.

only then did his real life begin.

I told him how I felt. I said that I only want what I can't have. He knows that's not true. It's never hurt so bad to feel this way. I have never told someone my feelings and been so ruggedly rejected. I have never been rejected come to think of it. It doesn't feel good. Hence the reason I dont reject people. This is just gay!??! I have never felt such utter and complete lonliness and pain. I feel like the weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I still dont feel any better. It was like when I told him I just got deeper into the fact that I can not have him.
Here's how the conversation went::
~Me: Hi, Are you still mad at me?
~Him: I was not mad at you
~Me: I have something to tell you but I don't know how to say it.
~Him: Juss say it
~Me: I need to build up to it, Just give me a minute
~Him: ok..........
~Me: see, I only want what I can not have
~Him: ok........
~Me: Right now there's only one thing that I can't have. What do you think it is?
~Him: You tell me
~Me: Why am I gay? FUCK!?!?
~Him: What are you talking about.
~Me: I was thinking out loud
~Him: oh ok
~Me: You
~Me: Now do you understand what I'm saying?
~Him: Not really
~Me: Do I have to say it?
~Him: Yes
~Me: I can't have you!?!?!
~Him: You can't have me?
~Me: That's what I said, isn't it?
~Him: You want me?
~Me: At the moment, Yes.
~Me: Actually the last couple of moments
~Him: juss the last couple of moments
~Me: a moment is a lot in Lysa land
~him: oh alright
~Me: I thought that I would feel better once I told you. But I just feel worse, I'm shaking all over now and my stomach hurts.
~Him: shaking?
~Me: Yes, All over! And I'm freezing!?!?
~Him: Yeah
~Me: YAH!
Then he just left. He didn't say anything back he didn't say I don't want you. It was like he wanted me to admit it and then it was over. But it wasn't like that at all. Infact I feel worse at the fact that he didn't say anything back. I could deal with the fact that he doesn't want me. But I can not understand why ANYONE could be dead silent when someone confesses her love to you....
I have never been this unhappy in my life. Rejection happened too many times this week. I had never been rejected before thses last three weeks. I was rejected by Gary, I was rejected by Dawei, I was rejected by Aqua, I was rejected by Bob, And now I'm being rejected by all my friends. None of them even want to talk to me. I will try to talk to someone and they will say "oh sorry, Lysa I was just leaving." and I'm just like well shit, I'll just cry to myself. Last night I even tried to make my self feel better. Paige came over adn i wanted to talk to her about it but I couldn't she rejected me as well in way. For taking stacy in as a "friend"! She knew that I didn't want that At all. But she went ahead. and Then she told me that she want to *expiriement* with her!?!? What 20 year old wants to expiriement with a 16 year old kid? Stacy has no idea what she is doing. she is all talk. But anyways someone trying to talkto me and I can't type in here and talk at the same time (talking on AOL) It's too much, lol, Just kidding. I'm going to leave now.

I think that it's really hard to tell the person you love that you love them. It's more of a life ordeal when you realize you do love them. When you do know you want them you cant just go get it. They have to be available and want you back. But none of this is for me. I'm unwanted Unneeded. But i guess that happens. You can't always get what you want...I guess that's how life is....................................

Getting Whats Mine


wanting what i cant have
needing what is untouchable
having the fear to go on
is it ok to be this much in love
u make me feel this way
the undevoted love
the reason i speak
i cant live with out u
i cant breath
i feel so alone
if i could have one thing it would be u
free me from my unlivable torture
keep me from what i detest
the greatest pleasure
the most intense pain
my reason for living is ur name
i cant have what i desire the most
is this bad?
should i feel this way?
u tell me

"You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her."
im so in love with gary! he is the sweetest guy EVER!?!?! and he likes me a lot too. but its really hard because i also really like byron and aqua. although i have known byron forever its really hard for me to get close to him because he doesn't treat me like gary treats me. Gary makes me really happy..he's such a sweet guy. I'm really upset that I haven't spoken to him in a few day's. This makes day 2 of no gary! im kinda making it. but i dont know how much more i can take, im going thru wihtdrawls!?!?! not really. sydney says im too attached to him but i think its perfect and that he likes me the same amount. or does he? im not sure. so anyways the other day (thrusday) me, katie, liz, dana, and maureen were joking about keying Marin's car and i guess someone over heard us. But anyway then on Friday someone really did Key her car. i dont reallyknow what to say. its just too weird. but anyway...someone over heard us obviously adn went to the office and told on me. they said that i had a direct conversation wiht them about it. It's weird because i did not. i wouldn't tell anyone something i didnt do. That's just ridiculous! But at any rate, even though we were joking about it, they were the only 4 people i talked to about it. Besides liz, and Sydney. but its liz and sydney, they wouldn't do that shit to me. They wouldnt Fuck me over like that!??!

Well. Uh i had a better night last night! I talked to Aqua last night till like 12:30 adn then to *rainbow dick* until like 3!?!??! Um I had been talking to gary for a bit. i was really liking his company. I enjoyed talking to him and i enjoyed listening to him talk. It was one the best "pseudo-relationships" i have ever had! i cant even believe that i fell for it. He was like i really like you. i was like im horribly ugly and fat, how can you. he was like no, your perfect, he called me his perfect little angel. what the hell is that when he is so nice to me adn i just fall for it. and he fucks me over that way!?!? It would be different if we hadnt gotten so close. How you can let your self be so vulnerable and then let it go like that. i know that i liked what i felt! but obviously he didnt like what he was feeling because he left me here alone. i wrote hella shit today about what i was feeling adn i think that it made me feel a lot better!?!? Um heres a little bit of it.


~Yes
Chills all over
The Pain can not subside
My Spine is shaking
From you i can not hide
I cant feel you here beside me
Are you really there?
Just a feeling, teasing me, taunting me?
Or are you a reality, a realistic spirit?
Is this just a test to see how strong I am?
If it is I'm failing
Am i supposed to make it work?
How can I feel so much emotions
When my life is going downt he drains?

dont hate the player, hate the game!?!? im no player! haha, riight! oh so the other day this girl marin got her car keyed. it was really ironic because the day before me and these girls from 4th period physical science were joking about her car. and how many people have talked about keying it. i was like...well i did! and we all laughed! we were hella joking. and then someone else from the class overheard? because they told on me. the cops and mr. coulter called me in and yelled at me. they said *someone* has blamed for a crime! i was helllla laughing! and i guess that looks bad on me, haha! but i didnt do that shit. thats fucked up! its a fucking 50,000 dollar car. mercades kompressor 2003! hella nice. i wouldnt do that shit. shes hella nice to me! but i dont know what else to say!?!?!? the police think it was me. and all ican do is say no i didnt do it and i dont know who did. but at least the girls from science told coulter the truth! i cant believe someone really told on me and thought i was serious! do i really seem that fucked up? oh well ill write more later...