I told him how I felt. I said that I only want what I can't have. He knows that's not true. It's never hurt so bad to feel this way. I have never told someone my feelings and been so ruggedly rejected. I have never been rejected come to think of it. It doesn't feel good. Hence the reason I dont reject people. This is just gay!??! I have never felt such utter and complete lonliness and pain. I feel like the weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I still dont feel any better. It was like when I told him I just got deeper into the fact that I can not have him.
Here's how the conversation went::
~Me: Hi, Are you still mad at me?
~Him: I was not mad at you
~Me: I have something to tell you but I don't know how to say it.
~Him: Juss say it
~Me: I need to build up to it, Just give me a minute
~Him: ok..........
~Me: see, I only want what I can not have
~Him: ok........
~Me: Right now there's only one thing that I can't have. What do you think it is?
~Him: You tell me
~Me: Why am I gay? FUCK!?!?
~Him: What are you talking about.
~Me: I was thinking out loud
~Him: oh ok
~Me: You
~Me: Now do you understand what I'm saying?
~Him: Not really
~Me: Do I have to say it?
~Him: Yes
~Me: I can't have you!?!?!
~Him: You can't have me?
~Me: That's what I said, isn't it?
~Him: You want me?
~Me: At the moment, Yes.
~Me: Actually the last couple of moments
~Him: juss the last couple of moments
~Me: a moment is a lot in Lysa land
~him: oh alright
~Me: I thought that I would feel better once I told you. But I just feel worse, I'm shaking all over now and my stomach hurts.
~Him: shaking?
~Me: Yes, All over! And I'm freezing!?!?
~Him: Yeah
~Me: YAH!
Then he just left. He didn't say anything back he didn't say I don't want you. It was like he wanted me to admit it and then it was over. But it wasn't like that at all. Infact I feel worse at the fact that he didn't say anything back. I could deal with the fact that he doesn't want me. But I can not understand why ANYONE could be dead silent when someone confesses her love to you....
I have never been this unhappy in my life. Rejection happened too many times this week. I had never been rejected before thses last three weeks. I was rejected by Gary, I was rejected by Dawei, I was rejected by Aqua, I was rejected by Bob, And now I'm being rejected by all my friends. None of them even want to talk to me. I will try to talk to someone and they will say "oh sorry, Lysa I was just leaving." and I'm just like well shit, I'll just cry to myself. Last night I even tried to make my self feel better. Paige came over adn i wanted to talk to her about it but I couldn't she rejected me as well in way. For taking stacy in as a "friend"! She knew that I didn't want that At all. But she went ahead. and Then she told me that she want to *expiriement* with her!?!? What 20 year old wants to expiriement with a 16 year old kid? Stacy has no idea what she is doing. she is all talk. But anyways someone trying to talkto me and I can't type in here and talk at the same time (talking on AOL) It's too much, lol, Just kidding. I'm going to leave now.