i think i might be crazy.

well, i know i'm clinically insane so nevermind onthe thinking. :)
anyway
shoot me. please.

i don't understand why i love him
and it's like.. it wont go away. and i'm dealing so well, i just don't understand.
i guess what i'm thinking is that if it was meant to be it'll come back.
but it's so bad to want to be with him... it's almost like my mind knows it's bad
but it doesn't think my heart deserves to hurt anymore
and i agree
i'm starting to wonder... will I ever be in a healthy relationship? is there a healthy relationship out there ? I must not be worthy
perhaps you were right, traela, maybe I do need some alone time. maybe i need to go back to my celibacy/alone time (just for reference I didn't break my celibacy, six months going strong :) ) anyway
i don't know what I need, I'll pay someone 13 dollars an hour to figure my head out for me :(
it'll work really well for you, there's so much going on
you'll spend hours in my brain
picking pieces of brain matter apart to pull out a clear thought
rummaging through the sporadic thought pieces.
occasionally finding a spare dream
or that old hope on the dirty wire hanger hanging in the back
days, deep in my mind
separating and placing each of my stories into piles
while you're there, will you get rid of the gene that causes addiction?
smoking, coffee, tea
tea tea tea, look what you've done to my mind now!
care to join her for tea?
i'm sure she'd adore the company
can't things work out just this once?
i want a happily ever after, please?
just let it last 2 days.
let me end it myself to grace and joy
they're my two closest friends..
joy allows the giggles and lovey dovey's and smiles
through this cloud of smoke, smoke filled building
those lovey's and dovey's are missing in action
though she still has the graceful beauty in the way her body moves
as she did on that first day of love
the first kamakazi
exciting and full of giggles
graceful
she stands on pointed toes,

just moving, allowing this waltz to come over her
just let me end it... i'll never ask again
please?

sometimes I wonder what happened... I mean, there was a time when I was really happy and I really enjoyed life.
but I feel like I lost my friends.
I don't think it's because I did something wrong... I think they were just ashamed of me.
which is heart shattering
I put myself in this picture of success
i don't fit, not one little bit
I want an enjoyable time
I want to go away with someone for the weekend and just laugh.
I honestly just want happiness, and where I am, I'll never get it.
I never felt closer to someone than I did with Sydney, but apparently I was unappreciative of her.

It seems like everyone I know is psychotic. Or maybe I have the problem.
I don't know if anyone has noticed but, the world hates me. I always lose my friends, and without a care I'm left alone
It's a miserable existance.

hot suace. peppermint tea. jonathan.
crazy racing thoughts. figure your hear out, girl. (like girrrrrrl)
i love him, but are things working out?
am i even me anymore?
I'm losing sense of self. I need to get it back
figure it out... figure it out please
the drugs are gone, all you have is you, so be you
that's the only choice.
i'm weak... but i wont give in. never.
be independent. be yourself
stop things before they start
stand out. you need it.


STAND OUT.

sometimes I feel like my head over thinks everything that I do... and I feel like I can't get out a thought that sounds right.
I guess there's so much going on in there that I just word/thought vomit something out.
I feel like this is getting in the way of my "relationship" which is not good. atfirst I thought maybe it was him, maybe he's just stubborn. but I'm starting to see that it isn't him, I'm just not learning.
I need to sort my headout, because I'm going crazy.

he told me I live int he moment ... and I do. I'm really going insane.
please, God, help me find myself, help me get myself back to me... I need your help tonight.

I love you, don't you get it? I didn't mean to lie to you if I did... I just wanted your trust.


I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU.

and you hate me...