I guess it's almost Christmas, I am very poor... I have barely any money to buy gifts... I spent too much money on weed this year.
I really am glad I got all this shit out of my system while I'm young..promiscuous sex, drugs, excessive drinking(although i'm sure i'll drink more, i'll be 21 next month). I dunno... I'm tired of my lifestyle.
I'm taking a break right now, pretty much from my life.


It's exhausting really. I need to sleep more, drink less, and just enjoy good company.

I guess I need to update this with things that are going on in my life...
Right now I'm deciding that I pretty want to cut anything and everythign out of my life that isn't healthy. including relationships wiht certain people that just aren't making me happy... (ahem)

Let's see what's going on with me right now...
I'm officially single (and I want to be)
My best friends righ tnow are : Keri, Nick, and Trae.
I have no children
I quit smoking 3 weeks ago.
I've decided to go back to celibacy. (I haven't had sex with anyone this week)
I'm no longer afraid of losing people because I don't think I should be afraid of being alone. I think it is healthier to be alone than to change myself and mold myself to be with someone...

Nothing else to say for now..

I was in love once...
we kissed and stared into each other's eyes passionately.


we danced in the rain, under street lights and he brushed my wet hair out of my eyes and held me

it felt like something that would never end. but five seconds later I looked up and you were gone.
screaming I looked for you, calling your name
only to find you wiht your new love
even deeper in love and having forgotten all about us. all about me


shattered, I guess you could say.
our perfect fantasy is over
i wont ever look into your eyes the same, love


we'll never be us, you can't force it on me

I'm not saying I wont see you, I'd love to,
but we'll never be the same

you can't hold my hand like nothing went wrong, you can't tuck my hair behind my ear
and I wont fall into like I did before
because we aren't us anymore


I wont let myself get like that again, you did this to me

after months and months of pretending I'm okay, I'm here tos ay Im not

I'm here to tell you that you ruined me and I never want to be in love again

and that if you fall in love again, I hope she rips your heart out.
it's terrible but I hope she hurts you like you hurt me.


I hope you cry , and I hope you sit on end listening to disheartening music and cry yourself to sleep like I did


I hope you replay all your memories of us and realize how stupid you were for letting me go


I'll never forgive you, and when I see you in a few weeks... you know what will happen?

nothing. I'll smile, i'll hug you

I'll shake your new girlfriends hand, and kiss her on the cheek.

I will act perfect, collected and warm. I'll drink coffee with you and hold your hands and tell you how happy I am for you, but you know what?

I'm not happy for you, nd I'll never forgive you.
and when she breaks you, i'll be here I wont console you I'll laugh, say "good riddance"

you never deserved me. it sucks because as much as I hate myself ... I hate you more.

you don't want to be here, you dont want her to treat you how you treated me..
you can apologize for hours but I wont love you again. I refuse.


sad.. I couldn't stop if I tried, he'll never find out, and will never know. I love him. and I always will. but i'd never let him back in.. i swear to god.

I considered creating an entire new journal but now, I don't really have the shame I did. I'm not embarassed and I have nothing to h ide.

So, I know I do this a lot but I need to recap some things that I forgot.

I've been terribly in love with three people.. who really truly loved me back. and all three? I picked someone else over them because *I* wasn't ready to settle down.. I honestly don't know how I can make that mistake once.. let alone three times. but i'm so tired of it.


I've made a lot of mistakes... I don't know how to fix them.
I'm disappointed, I'm unhappy...
help.