Sydney, I'm almost postive that you won't read this, but I feel like I want to say it either way.
I agree that you've tried to be here for me... and you've been nothing but the greatest. but when you do that. You always make me feel as though I'm not good enough to be equal to you. I know i'm not good enough for you. that's ok. being a slut isn't too bad.
I feel like every time we started getting back to us... things just kept getting bad. and it was all my fault.Things just kept falling apart. Either that or... I'm a fuck up. First it was Milo coming here.. then we had a slight falling out when the Casey thing happened (whether it was too far read into or not), then when my father kicked me out. It just seems like possibly we're never going to understand eachother ever again. i know it's hard to understand me. i'm an onion. so many white stinky layers.
I guess maybe you've always thought yourself better than everyone else.. I just never saw it. I'm sure you are. but really.. next time, a new friend, another person. won't be as worthless as me.

i really don'tw ish you luck, because i'm cold and mean.
in a way, i'm glad things didn't work out in our friendship because it just seemed like... you were too awesome for me.
hopefully i'll think of someone other than myself next time. and i'm not sure how i snubbed you. i was more than grateful for you "caring" for me. what could i do? sit there and bother you while you giggled about milo writing you love letters? no. all i could do is worry about what i'm doing with my life. and cry. and feel sorry for myself like i always do. because i like attention. i felt the sincerity in your words, and actions. i wasn't about to let it all out to you. i needed someone who could be as fake and awful as me. really i did...

I had a lot of things I needed to say to david and pretty much I let it all out last night, and it was good. It felt good to let things out ilke that. Last night was a time for apologies and spilling one's heart. I really dislike being so caring and caring so much for him, because I keep drowning myself in heartache with him. But, maybe this time will be different, I adore h im.

Time to go play with baboo.

My baboo!





He's five weeks old. Everyone be jealous. He's soooooo cute.

So lately I've been really not doing well.
The falling out with Sydney, realizing I have no real close friends, it's terrible.
If ound myself not believing in myself, and really taking nothing it at all.
I noticed I don't want to do what I'm doing I want to have more time for me, more time to love myself, and get to know others.
I've really been careless with my feelings and actions, I need to be more self aware, more kind, really.
On the other hand, things are going so terribly right now that I don't really feel like taking part in a new friendship, or getting to know old friends.
I don't know, I'm pretty upset, and I'm considering dropping out of school. There are really some things I can't handle right now.
I've had no time to relax or just rest. I've been up and up and up and up consecutive hours of doing, doing, doing.
I need to take some time off and relax. Maybe get away from school, friends, get rid of my social life, I don't need it, I know!
Finish my book, I was going pretty well and then I just started going out and such. I need to take care of the things and people that Ic are about rather than go out and get fucked up because Ic an't control my life.
I need to start now.

skittle 0s: Well let me lay it down for you. not for you. but for myself. so i know that you know.
skittle 0s: I've always tried to help you when i could. whenever i thought i could. i really did. and i always did it because i care. and because sometimes i can be a good person.
skittle 0s: and i jsut kept investing myself in you.
skittle 0s: and that you just never appreciated that.
skittle 0s: that you were COMPLETELY ungrateful.
skittle 0s: and then you went so far as to snub me that day
skittle 0s: and i realized ireally didn't need someone like that in my life. someone that i cared about and couldn't ever care back.
skittle 0s: you always complain how you never have any friends that care
skittle 0s: what was i?! tell me that. what was i? nobody apparently.
skittle 0s: and that's perfectly fine.
skittle 0s: i'm not even angry.
skittle 0s: i really don't think you a bad perosn. i completely sincerely hope the best for you in life.
dinosaur rawwwrr: no offense, but this is kind of ridiculous. everytime i've tried to ebt here for you, you tell me your'e too depressed or too alone to have anything ro do anything. honestly... how am i supposed to be close to you or do anything for you if you make me feel stupid for trying?
dinosaur rawwwrr: i thanked you about a hundred times for taking care of me. what more could i do? and when i've tried to be close to you in other ways, or other times.. you really just haven o time for me.
skittle 0s: i didn't want to argue this.
dinosaur rawwwrr: okay
skittle 0s: But take care of yourself
dinosaur rawwwrr: right, bye.



although I know she probably won't read this... this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. yes. I complain, because no matter how hard I tried I wasn't good enough for her.
Liz... you were right about Sydney. Good game.

IT felt like old times, like when they first met
the first time he whispered into her ear.
the first time he called
she looks into his eyes, love is all she feels.
she holds his hand, they're in love, she feels it
she knows
knows her emotions are peaking, heart fluttering
heart pounding
butterflies in her stomach, she kisses him
runs her hand through his hair
"i love you," he says to her
all her inhibitions seem to fall away, she says she loves him, too.
it's like old times.



is this real?