i dont usually do this but I really feel like I need to vent. my parents are right I can't blame them for my misfortune. I just have to deal with my problems... I just really hope that things get better for me. I just... don't want to be broken hearted anymore. I want to smile and be happy and I want it to be real and honest. i'm so tired of crying, and i'm so tired of memories. i just wish they would all go away. i wish i never would have came here.

i wish I had never been hurt.

I did this to myself. yeah, he told me I was his soulmate, but these were just cruel lies.
why me?

she stares adoringly into his beautiful eyes.
there could never be another night this beautiful
another kiss so pure so sweet

hair shyly tucked behind her delicate ear
their lips finally meet again
she slowly falls into him, knows this will be the only kiss that means anything for her
all of a sudden the kiss broken. a dreary haze settles over her mind

its all a crazy mess in her mind.... she'll never get away, will she?
never get passed this place in her head

she feels chills all over her body she wishes there was some way to make her feelings pass
but for some reason all her thoughts lead her back to this moment.
she's constantly reliving the moment her heart was taken
will she ever relinquish her emotions?
she's seeing emotional tension, feeling it
but is it really there? or is she creating things...

i think my life is going to start to look up. i'm hoping that things go well.

beavis and butthead do america is on MTV. i really wish they still played that show on mtv.

it was good times. of course at the time that it actually played on broadcasted television I was way too young to watch it. my parents wouldn't let me. i was a very sheltered child.

lots of drama happened today, ridiculous stupid drama. I've decided it's a bad idea to be friends with a certain person because she is a liar. and feigning for drama... blah.

i'mfucking exhausted. i needa cig and some sleep. ciao!

well...
I'm tired of feeling. I think I have been for a while. I'm honestly not sure of the last time I really felt something. (aside from love... but I couldn't tell you if that was forced)
I don't know if I actually feel hurt or if my mind just beileves that I should feel that.
My mind thinks that my heart deserves hurt, I suppose.

but honestly I don't know what I should do. I think it woul dbe healthy for me to turn my emotions off... (which is what I've been trying to do. my mind, I'd like to think, is smarter than this.
but its played tricks on me before


how do I really feel???? I couldn't fucking tell you. I think I feel unhappy? but is it because I'm actually feeling heartbroken? or is this something I'm forcing on myself?

I think I'm lost *in* my mind...

so, my life is going to start over. I may or may not be able to get online anytime soon after I leave this place... but I believe it will be healthy for me tos tart over somewhere safe. Somewhere I believe in myself. somewhere Dennis isn't.



all my things packed, stacked in the corner

waiting for news of a place to be...
just waiting for where i want to be
endless clicking of keyboard sounds
its all that's important to him.

its sad.

Sooooooooooooo. Im going back to San Francisco soon! I'm so excited. I can't wait for it.

So up until I moved out to Arizona my life felt like a disappointment. When I got here I was so happy, it was sickening, really. I was so in love and everything was so perfect.
Well, I should have realized then that never happens to me. So I knew something bad was about to happen.

Who knew though, really? I mean, I spent the last 3 years of my life reconstructing my emotion system. Being able to let myself love again, it was so hard to let him and it was so hard to figure things out... but I did. I made it, I figured things out...

I really didn't think I could be in another bad relationship, but this wasn't 'bad'. This was perfect... I guess it was just a lie, or atleast that's how its starting to feel. now I don't want to get out bed in the morning... but I force myself.

I'm not a bad person, why do shit things keep happening to me?
For any of my friends who care for me, or want to know what's going on with me...a nd read this...
I'm going to be homeless for a while. I don't have a place to go, and the person I'm in love with is no longer in love with me.

For reference, Dennis... you do'nt just fall out of love.
and you can't run away from your problems. You'll realize about 2 months into leaving that you're still the same person with the same needs, and the same feelings. Whether you choose to listen to them or not. it isn't your father that is making you put your life on hold... you didn't have to be on hold the entire time I was here. You didn't have to stop working, you wanted to. and we had plenty of time to both get jobs and save money.. but you made it seem hopeless...
Am I really supposed to believe that you ever loved me? because if you did you wouldn't have ended it like this.
You'll see when you start your next relationship, and do this to the next girl... I'm the only one who ever really loved *YOU*. because you can't be yourself with any other woman... because you isn't really good enough for them.
hopefully.
i wish you luck on trying to figure what will make you happy. although, i know nothing will.. because you believe the world is against you... and you are insatiable in the happiness sense.

i plan on leaving soon. i can't sit here and cry about how my hearts broken, it'll jsut get worse when you leave.. so if I leave first, then youc an blame me. and then I can blame myself.
but we both know it was you. you lie to yourself and say just want to get rid of me. but youre just scared of being in love iwth me. youre just scared of having a real relationship....

i hate that you did this to me.