Hm. things are odd for me right now. I'm just not very good. I love him. even though I said I dont. I just wanted to try and convince myself that I didn't. but I do. I dont know what I'm saying. I guess when you fall for someone.. even when they are 3000 miles away, and dont love you back and guarantee that they wont fall for you. you still do. I dont know. I like Dustin very much, but I'm pushing for him to like me. I wasn't talking about Dustin in the beginning of this entry. Just so you know. and as much as I like Dustin. I dont want to hurt him. I like him a lot though. and I'm hoping that he likes me that much. I dont want my heart to be broken again. because its already aching. man. Keith hurt me. GOD. I need to get over that shit, it wasnt' even real I was just a skank to him and such. I'm gonna go. I dont want to talk anymore.

I think taht Jessie has a crush on Nicklby. but I wont tell him. AND HE CANT READ THIS. so stop freaking out, LIKER. YEAH RIGHT I LOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVE NICKLLBY!
NICKLBY I WANNNNNNNAAAA GIVE YOU KISSES!

hm. things have been sort of weird lately, I haven't been able to see Dustin.. I guess that doesn't really matter...but anyway.. I think that I'm just convenient.. and thats why he likes me. I think that I'm just here.. so its easy to like me. I'm pretty confused, and sort of hurt. I suppose he doesn't like me as much as I thought he did. Or maybe I mistook love for, his convenience. I dont understand, why does this happen to me? Its like.. I can't have a relationship, with anyone. It never works. I am starting to think its me. Infact, it is me.
I was wrong, in every thing that I thought, I keep forgetting he doesn't want to date me. I always for get THEY NEVER WANT TO DATE ME. EVER. EVER!
I am not doing so well. I need to lie down. bye

life...yep. so today is definately not my day. I jsut read Seans blogs on myspace, cute. I like how he was totally talking to some other girl while he was talking to me. Which I should have known was happening. but I totally understand, with the distance and such. but.. he got all upset when he found out about Dustin.. but I'm sorry. I didn't have any sort of relationship with anyone. it was all fake because Sean was talking to someone else. ugh. I hate liars.
and now, I totally TOTALLY dont even have to think. Dustin <3333

There is nothing harder than seeing the people closest to you die. Watching them and their memory slowly fade away. I dont know what it feels like to have the person you are in love with fade away, but I have had two very very close people die. My grandmother, and grandfather. I'd rather not get into everything that happened there.. Just know, they both are no longer with us. My Grandma due to alzheimers and my Grandpa due to self hate. Its insanely hard to deal with someone you care about so much leaving this world. You always try to think that things will be fine, that you wont hurt, and that they are "In a better place," but you always miss them. You always cherish their memories. Its harder to live with the mere thought that you will never see them again. That you will never hear them breath, or share some dinner. Or even be close to them at all, all of that is gone. Once that person you cherish leaves the world... you never see them again. And all you have is memories. I recently read "The Notebook" by Nicholas Sparks, it was a well written book. Usually I dont like Nicholas Sparks but this book took my breath away. It brought me to tears and literally hurt me. This book made me think, it made me realize what I wanted out of life. I saw that it isn't love that I want from life, its a type of love that wont die. Its love that I will cherish for my entire life. And I cannot get that from some stupid boy. I need to get to know someone, like with Dustin, I am gettign know him. and cherishing every moment we spent together. Reminiscing all the good times. I think that I want to get to know him more, I want to fall in love. I think about him all day, and all night I dream about him. He makes me so freakishly happy that even my parents have noticed. Anyway, I better get going I am hungry and I have work later on. around 2. Shower and food, and such. Good-day.

life...so yeah. Boys are fun. I really wish that Dustin was like..my boyfriend. I wish. I dont know if he ever will be. but I dont think I am going to put out anymore outside a relationship. Gosh, this sucks. I like him soooooooooooooooo much. It makes me sick. He's all I think about, and I can't stop. It makes me sad. ugh, food. I'll write more later. I think I love him.

Soo...Here's whats going on with me. I have been seeing Dustin a lot. and I am growing very very attachted, of course. I am probably falling in love with him. which could be bad.. could be good. Not sure, yet. Anyway. I really like him a lot. A LOT. I dream abo out him, and think about him when I wake up. He's planning on staying longer. and I hope he can stay for a while. because at this rate I'll be deeper in love with him than I ever was with anyother boy, ever. On a different note, Thomas does not want to talk to me apparently. I told him just to message me when he gets back to California, in two weeks. I think that I should tell him that I have no interest in him anymore. but for some reason I dont think that it will harm him. He has no interest in me, whatsoever. Or atleast that is how it seems. I am too overly dramatic for him, which is true, but he must be completely anal to not be able to handle me. I am seriously not even as bad as most girls out there. They would freak out if a person they were talking to screwed around with someone else. Ugh, anyway, back to Dustin. This boy is amazing, I can't even begin to think of how things would be if I hadn't hit it off with him. but yeah, anyway. I am very happy. I should go, I have work early tomorrow. I'm so tired. Night night <333

So yeah, me and Dustin hung out for a few days. and of course I fell in love with him. Typical of me. Very typical of me. Anyway, I always fall for the boys who are leaving... or who can't be with me. Or who live far away. This is by far my curse. mainly because I actually do love these people. I always love people, and I want them to love me. but it never happens. I am absolutely in love with Dustin, but I guess it is because in his little way he made me feel like no one else ever had before. He made me feel special. and Sweet and innocent. He made me yearn for affection and love. It wasn't like with Keith, where he basically pushed me away and then would play with my heart. Dustin actually made me smile, and was sweet to me. and such. He held me while I slept for 2 nights. He held me all day while we were in the hotel room. These last few days have been the most amazing days I've ever had in my life. and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I really am not liking knowing that he is leaving on Wednesday. but I suppose I have to deal with it. I have to let him leave. and write him all the time. and such.
God. My heart is really empty right now, I gave him all I could. You dont understand, the other night, I held him and he cried and told me everything that was worrying him, and everything that was depressing him. Everything that he was feeling. I got to know him, I loved that he talked to me for ho, urs. I loved that he let his guard down completely. I felt so special.
He told me about everything, I really got to know him well that night. <3.>
Jeez. Alright. Good-day. Til later.

Well. I haven't updated in a while.. and I dont really know where to start. Last thing I touched upon was graduation. Many, many things have happened since then. Actually, just before graduation I decided to move home, and my parents gave me a job and my phone back, but I changed my number. Anyway, I have been doing pretty well I suppose. I've been making good money and smiling sometimes. Adolfo and I made up after a stupid fight, anyway, I love Adolfo. So let the whining commence. Keith. Ryan. Shawn. Jordan. Boys. I was so broken after Tony. I couldn't believe that he didn't want me, we talked for .. jesus. Nine months. or Ten. Okay, first there was Jordan, met him in Arizona, he was sweet. Told me he wanted me to have his heart.. but then he fiercly took it back. I pushed myself off on him, and wanted him to love me. but it was impossible we lived too far away. Shawn...those were all lies. He left me. Completely. and I didn't really have much choice. Ryan, phone sex. Pointless. Keith, the one person who made me want to love again after Tony. He made me want to give kisses, and hugs, and feel things. I dont know, I thought it was rather weird how him coming into my life made thigns so much different, I wasn't so bitter, I smiled. I wish I could have done the same for him, but.. alas, he couldn't care for me. He couldn't love me.. or cherish me, and that was because of "Her." His "her" I'll never be her. I'll never win over her, because she will always have the heart that I wanted. I really didn't want to write about this, mainly because it hurts my heart to think about how I gave myself to him, and he just rejected me. I put myself there, I suppose. Although, him forcing me to tell him my feelings made me feel like that was what he wanted, but it obviously wasn't. His feelings were always just sexual, always just...more or less leading me on. He didn't do it on purpose. I know that, he told me that he wouldn't love me. That I couldn't change him, but I honestly believed that I could. and if he allowed himself to cherish and love me.. I would have been able to change him, but, he wont call me, or message me .. or anything me. What does it matter, anyway. He would have treated me shitty, he has mood swings, and is mean to people sometimes. But.. those times when he was sweet... when he would call me beautiful, and sing on the phone, and call me just to tell me what he was doing. It made me smile. and for those brief moments I felt loved and special. Pardon me for this being so mushy. I am actually crying while typing, I felt so much for him. I still have so many feelings for him. I wanted to touch his skin.. and kiss him, and whisper in his ear, and close my eyes and be with him. I could never have that, ever. He could never give me that sort of affection, he didn't even want to be close to me. I guess all he wanted was the sex. I am not sure what he felt, still. He never told me how he felt, or what he wanted from me. I think I was just there. and he was there for me.. to be MY friend. I dont think he ever really liked me, I just made him smile and laugh, and I loved his voice.
When he would sing, it felt like he was singing to me, I felt so special. I would answer the phone and he'd be singing. I'd smile to myself and blush. and I'd feel so much warmth. More than anything I'd like to feel that feeling of seeing him, or hearing his voice. I'd like, once more to look down and see his name when my phone rings. Id like to get home and message him and talk to him for hours, like I used to. He is the only person that I told my life story to. I told him everything about me.. and what I didn't tell him, he could read. He knew me so well, I dont even know how he did it, but he always understood. and knew what I was feeling.
He knew I loved him before I knew it. He actually said to me.. "You're in love with me" and it caught me off guard I was so surprised. and I was like. "No way, what are you talking about" and I thought about it and we talked more and more.. and I did love him. I do love him. Anyway, I hate writing about him. I hate remembering. I dont want to. The only reason I am, is so I dont forget him. As much as I dont want to remember the hurt, I want to always rememeber how he made me feel. How happy he made me. Hopefully one day, he can love me back. and I am sure I will still love him.
Anyway, so he was listening to Elliot Smith, and he cried in front of me. I couldn't believe it. but right then, my dad took my phone, it was stupid. of course when Keith is expressing himself and being amazing, I leave him. That's when things got weird. after that night, I guess he felt abandoned. I dont know what he felt. He never told me. At all. At any rate, the calls got far and few between, and the talking online got slightly less personal. and more vindictive. It wasn't as sweet. When I would call him, or he me.. things weren't the same. He was a different person, I think he started to feel somethign for me... and got scared. He doesn't want to give into feelings. He doesn't want to get hurt, I understand that but ... I wont hurt him. I never would. I cherish his heart so much, and thought he wouldn't give it to me, I showered him in my love. and made him pictures. I cared for him so much. More than I had cared for any boy, more than I cared for Tony. I actually fell in love with Keith. Deep in love. Its amazing how I remember every tiny surge of feeling he made me feel. every twinge of giggle, spirit and love I feel it and remember it all. I would have given anything just to feel his hands brush against mine. To barely kiss him. Just one small kiss I would have given my life. I was so open to him, I offered him all of me. Every chance I got, he never took it.
He always told me, that he couldn't take my heart with out giving me his in return and he couldnt' do that. I understand, I just wished it wasn't like that. I wished that he would one day just change his mind and want to love me. and want to give me his heart. I knew he never would, I knew he would never change his mind, but I always hoped. I would fall asleep thinking about him. I'd wake up thinking about him. and throughout the day I would think about him. I would think about cuddling with him, I would think about going places with him. to shows, to movies, anywhere. I would think about him so much that it got annoying. I would talk about him to Adolfo, I would bring him up in my thoughts. Suddenly every song applied to my "relationship" with him. Every lyric was a piece of my heart expressing to him. Nearly every thing I every hoped and dream has been crushed and I was hopeing that since he was sweet and perfect, and caring, and had been through what I went through.. I thought that he would be different.
That he wouldn't hurt me, but he did. even if it wasn't intentional, he did. Dear god, I care so much for him that I still shake when I think about him. My head hurts and my heart hurts. I think about him all the time. When any song comes on, I think of Keith. When I hear someone sing, I think of him. When I write, I think of him. When I talk to Adolfo (Hitler) I think of him. When I say stupid things, I think of him. When I eat reeses pieces. When I have orange soda. or teddy grahams. I think about him so frequently. Its heartbreaking to know he doesn't think about me. that I am just some slut. I suppose that is all I am, some slut that Keith wanted and now doesn't.
I wasn't though. I wanted so much more. I know that if it were under different circumstances he would love me. but the circumstances are what they are. and he does not. So. yes. That is all.
Recently there has been no more heart break, and I have met someone else. but Keith will always be there. in my heart. if he ever came back, I would drop whoever I was with and love him for the rest of my life. but... it isn't my choice, he left me. blocked me, wnot respond to my text messages. He LEFT me. I didn't leave him, I didn't give up, like he said I would. I am still here, I am still giving. I am still loving. and Cherishing. I still want to give him my heart. I want him to hold me, and love me, and give me the emotion that I know he has. but he wont. He'll never give me that. EVER. Anyway, He and I have ceased speaking bascially be his choice, he blocked me. and I have given up on waiting for his text message responses. I think he is dating someone else. I know he was dating some girls before. he though I was dating too, but I wasn't. I told him, and he didn't care. anyway. I feel stupid for wanting him so bad and feeling so much...only to have nothing. I think I should stop writing about Keith. I cherish his memory, and I honestly hope that he is happy, even if it isn't with me. I would love for it to be with me, but I will wish him luck and smile and know that I wanted him to have my heart, but he couldn't. I need to stop, I am crying pretty badly now.
On to this new boy. Dustin. We met before, and talked for a while, and then he came back to San Jose to give me some lovin and we got to cuddlin, and smoochin and such and I really like him a lot. I call him my cuppycake and he calls me his snugglemuffin. Its all really cute, if you ask me. I smoother him in my kisses and hugs and love and emotion. non-stop. and it feels really good to do that. He is really the sweetest boy ever and I am totally glad I met him when I did, I can already feel myself liking him more than I should. an dI told him that I was going to fall in love with him. We are seeing who will get sick of the other first. I think it will be me, that He will get sick of me. but he disagrees and thinks I'll hate him, but I think I am already falling for him. Just when I know I am going to see him.. I giggle and smile all day. Today I am going to San Jose and we are going to sleep at a park outside. I am so excited. I think that he's going to realize that I am in love with him and run away like Keith did. but I am not sure, he seems very very much so interested. The only problem is that I am not sure if he is staying in San Jose.
He could have to go back to Utah. which I totally dont want. but I want to be with him so badly. I want to be his girlfriend. I want to be his. I dont know how to say it to him though, I'll tell him tonight. I am stoked to see him. I miss him so fucking much, more than I have ever missed a person, ever. I miss my cuppycake. <333. Hopefully we can talk before I got to work, if not, then I will leave him baby messages and such. I hope that things work out and I get to go see him tonight. I am trying to find a ride to San Jose, but nothing is forsure. I think I'll ask paige. <3 I hope she says yes. I think I am done writing, I have thoroughly expressed my heart for the day. I have more to say but I will add it tomorrow. I love you Journal <33333333. and I love Adoflo. an dI miss you cuppycake, love <33333