so i am in forest hill, visiting my aunt and grandmother before I leave for Georgia. I'm really glad I get to see them.
I'm at the library right now. its pretty awesome... its so small town and adorable. I'm a huge fan of little hole in the wall places. small, quaint towns where everyone knows everyone.
I was outside a little grocerystore in the "downtown" and every person that walked in was greeted by name. of course no one knows me anymore, I haven't been here in almost fifteen years. I'll be excited to come back and see everyone in the years to come. I hope in another fifteen years I'll come back here and it will be more poulated... but unfortunately I think Forest Hill will stay this little town forever. I believe that is why people stay here... its a 20 minutes drive to a main city (Auburn) and its quient and secret to be here. I adore it.

I've also been taking notes and asking my Grandmother about her husband (my grandfather that I never met) and I plan on putting it into my novel. I have it all written in this little notebook. I'm happy to be staying with here, it will be nice to spend a little time with her before I go. I look forward to the remainder of my stay here. and I also look forward to my trip to Georgia. Whether it be by bus or plane (preferred plane).

I recently spoke to my father and was informed that he plans on purchasing me a plane ticket for a later date then I was supposed to leaving. but I am definitely not worried about it. As long as I don't have to take the bus I will be fine. I am happy to eat and sleep in a comfortable place (not Alix's). Speaking of Alix, she had told me I could stay relatively permanent; get a job and pay rent, whatever. Or she insinuated that it would be happening. Then I arrived in San Francisco and I was informed, rather unfortunately, that I could stay for only one week. So I immediately was upset... then as the week began to pass I realized that all her roommates, and herself were coke addicts. It was terrifying. Unexpeected and scary. I guess when I wouldn't do heroin, cocaine, and meth with them she was unhappy that I was there. So she wanted me to leave sooner than a week. (that's why I'm in Forest Hill). then I checked my myspace and she posted a bulletin about how they had a free room in their place. RUDE. She lied to me, and then when I spoke briefly with her a few days ago, and accused me of stealing Xanax bars from her. Unbelievable! I was livid, but now I'm okay. Fuck her. I hope she learns from her mistakes... but I think she'll have to hit rock bottom inorder to realize something is wrong with her life.
Anyway, I want to go smoke a cigarette. I may or may not return and write a bit more in a while... I am afterall in the Forest Hill public library. Cigarette time. :)

(another entry i wrote in my hand written journal while I was in the lonely place the room im sleeping in with no outside contact or way to write in my online journal)

sitting in an unfamiliar room. the violence. drugs?
do these people ever stop? its terriflying..
can't wait to leave... can't wait to be free of this.
can't stop thinking a past love either;

how did i love so quickly?

how was i so willing to give away my heart with the gleam of a first kiss.
its scary how we can give so much away only to be destroyed in the dusty trash-filled streets.

around the picket fence that once was her life, her heart is strewn about...
the heart that used to adore so many
now stops waiting a coherent response...

there are no more 'i love yous'
there was no heartfelt departure
she gazes into his eyes but sees deceit.
wonder if his heart was ever really there.

"no" she thinks outloud.

noces a dust mite in her old journal and decies to give a new story
the story of her hearts first true love.

torn apart by a simple misunderstanding...
of emotions.
fearfullyu she glares out a dirty window into the busy street she wanders around her new found freedom
wishing she had something, someone more to hold onto.
she lights another cigarette.
something to love her unconditionally.

and someday when its unexpoected she'll find it.
she will enjoy her life with someone new, and true.
someone who isn't an enabler and who wishes for a real love.
she'll find hers.

another morning awake at six am. car alarms, busy street and sirens. sirens of all sorts. having a cigarette in the temporary kitchen. i'm in hell.
unfortunately i'm missing the one person i ever truly loved. it hurts deppe in my being to think of him. and i wish i would stop.

iwish i lived with family who loved me. but i can't find unconditional love.
no where.

a decision tos tay with a friend cross county in hopes of my dreams for safety working out.
she reachers for her heart suddenly realizes in slow thoughts that her chest is fill with tatered and torn music notes.
all methodically leading toward a path that is no longer accessible.
what's she to do? sit and wonder if her life is a joke?

she's got nothing to live for and with one deep slice all of her problems could be over.

alluding freedom and heaven.
she'd be free and forever in the darkness of death...forever.

she doesn't have the heart to do so though.

so she must go on living the horror that is her life for the moment.

safety awaits you, young girl. safety in a friend who is unconditional and loving.

trae if you read this. i love you, and you are my best friend in the world. and i thank you and your father so much for any help that you give me. and i thank you for giving me the option of coming out there.

its a new world for me. and i can't wait to get there.

oh boy.
so i moved back to san francisco... its terrible. My parents wont let me come back, and the place i'm staying (with alix) I can only stay here for a week and a half.
so after two days of freaking out because I had nowhere to stay. and no one who could help me. I talked to my buddy trae.
I get to go live with him in Georgia Its going to be awesome.

I leave next thursday. the bus trip is going to be lame. 2 days and 12 hours... but its whatever.
I'm drinking some really delicious lemonade. WHOLEFOODS <3


So upon arriving here at 617 Ellis. fantasticly in the tenderloin area of San Francisco. I met Alix's roommatse.

I'll list them in order of how I met them.

or rather, the order of which I met people who frequent the place.

Dan: he's alix's husband..he's pretty awesome. very funny. and a good man! he is letting me use their computer and his cell phone whenever I need to!

Dallas: Alix's sweet grafitti-ing friend. she's moving into the house on the 24th. she's very cute, and very funny.

Jeremy and Rachel: the witty couple who live in the extra room. they're cute and funny. but very odd.

Jigmae: is another roommate he is very nice. and friendly. he wears skin tight womens straight-legged jeans. its cute and funny.

Jeff: the hiv positive dude. with sweet tattoos and a cute girlfriend. he's funny and talks to me sometimes. he seems ginuinely caring. which is nice in a place like this.

Amilia: very thin, very sweet partyish girl. the first thing I heard her say was "dude so and so kept me high on cocaine all weekend, it was awesome." she's nice though.

I think that's everyone? Oh wait. mark is the neighbor he comes over all the time. he calls alix "little dude" its cute.

i enjoy the people, but i dont like the drug tendencies. some people can handle it, but i dont like to not be in control of my body. ever.

even if i'm drunk I still manage to control my surroundings. (or I guess I always had people who did it for me. ha)

anyway.

here I am, in San Francisco... I am honestly missing arizona. or I guess I miss the people. I could truly be myself aroudn them. and they liked me for it. here... i just feel somewhat awkward about it. i'm listening to the cure and smoking a cig. its kind of nice to relax and just write in my blog like old times.

i'm tired of looking back on my life and regretting it. I'm going to try to live my life for me when I get to Georgia. I hope to get a job, quickly....and basically jsut enjoy my life.
I hope to not blame things on other people anymore. ds
I guess the reason I do now is because I feel like I ruined my life for Dennis. I suppose I didn't, I made the choice to go there. but to be honest, I had no idea it would end like it did. I expected a more heartfelt goodbye... as opposed to "it was nice knowing you" and a fucking handshake. dont worry anyone.. .I told him not to touch me.

:sigh: here's to the start of my new life. and to seeing nick on saturday! I hope he comes over. I needt o see a familiar face and someone I can hug and tell them how I feel about everything. Gosh.

its hard to wake up and know that soon your life as you know it will be ending...
to know that the person you love the most is going away forever
and to know that it could have been different if you hadn't made that certain decision months ago.
you know the one... and yet, here you are. always making bad decisions for yourself...
and only now realizing you shouldn't have made the choice you did.

but who knew it would end this way? i should have known from the beginning that things dont work out for me. people aren't real.
people dont tell the truth, and love doesn't exist.

its this crazy illusion, something that you only see because you think its there. a mirage.
basically its like he gave me rose colored glasses and I just wore them regardless of what I thought..
because I wanted to be in love, because I saw how perfect things were
but again itw as a crazy mirage.
a phony picture in my mind.
now i have to spend the next few months regathering my heart and emotions.
adjusting to him not being in her life... but a constant reminder of what they had
always.
she'll be living with his family. a constant reminder of the love she has for him.
oh how she wishes she never made this choice..
i need a cigarette but i have none.


i wish i wasn't alive.