i want to wake up and see my beautiful nieces smiling face. i love that little girl so much. that is my goal. not to be in a place to make myself happy. to be able to be around her growing to see how she turns out. to love her and make up for the shitty childhood where her mother was a meth addict.

i need to save money to be able to go either go visit half moon bay, or to permanently move back there. PERMANENTLY. i most definitely want to see her everyday.

that is the mistake i made. i keep feeling sorry for myself for throwing *my* life down the toilet, but i really didn't. I mean, yes,
I fucked up... but I can get back on the right track and I can make my life better. I can get a job, I don't have a fucking disgusting drug problem.

so i moved to georgia because I couldn't stay with my parents, which was my first choice. I miss them, I wont lie. I want to be around them everyday, I like being mad at my dad for not minding his own business. It makes me feel safe. I miss being yelled at for being late.

I'd love to go back there, but I can't. But I'm going to save and save and find a place to live near them. If not with them, or in town then perhaps paying for a space monthly. maybe?

:sigh:
its unfortunate when i get high and mighty and i feel as though i can conquer the world although I know I can't...

I miss being in control.