so, I haven't updated in a while. and I am getting pretty tired. I dunno what I'm thinking or doing. I dont know!!!
I want a boyfriend who isn't using for something. sex, money, whatever.
Its all ridiculous and I am getting pretty sick of things. I think that I have a crush on drew. he's trying to "be nice" to me. It isn't working out very well for me. He keeps blowing me off and treating me like shit and I am not too sure why he thinks that it is alright for him to say one thing and do another. I dunno, having crushes on people is a huge thing. Only not so much. I am totally crushing on drew. I wish that he were more loving and sentimental and sweet. because I know he totally isn't crushing as hard as I. I wish I could change that and I wish that I could be so unique and powerful that I didn't have to try. I wish I were his amazing one.
The perfect girl he dreams about.
She smokes cigarettes. and loves tom waits. and is a music critic. She would be his ideal girl. I wish I were her. He doesn't want this hopeless dreamer who hopes and wishes her life away. He doesn't want this horrid wisher who takes leaps of faith and dreams dreams unreachable. I am not sure which of these two I am. I am the dreamer. I am a wisher and a thinker, I have a mind. and thoughts and hopes and loves and wishes. I do not smoke and I do enjoy some occasional tom waits. I could never be a music critic because of how much I enjoy every type of music. Well, I can tell terrible music from lovely music. but I really do enjoy everything. from Tom waits to atreyu. Although I am not so much into the scream scene. anyway, I have been in such a lovely mood.
every aspect of my well being has been radiant. my warmth and love and heart has radiated throughout every person that I know, every friend I have made. every person I care for. I need to grow up and learn how to take care of myself and I need to think about how I want to carry out my dreams and aspirations. I dont know what I am thinking about or what prompted me to actually go about writing this. but now I am finished and I need to go lay down.
I think I need to sleep, maybe then I'll feel better.

being a princess would be amazing. I could be important. I could be lovely and enchanting. I could fall in love hopelessly and everything would work out. There would be hundreds of amazing boys waiting for me to love them.
I wish I were a princess, they are dainty and beautiful and perfect.

I wish I were beautiful and perfect.

immatureboy5 (10:39:13 PM): you know i think its time we get it out in the open.... I FUCKING HSTE YOU.
giraffes are sex (10:39:35 PM): i already knew that.
giraffes are sex (10:40:06 PM): i think when you tell all your friends everythign I do with dustin you made it BLATANTLY obvious. thanks.
immatureboy5 (10:40:40 PM): yeah.. the funny thing is that your nothing more than a whore and its obvious that he saw that and took advantage
giraffes are sex (10:41:38 PM): i never EVER thought that you would make me cry. but you did. i hope you die alone. really. you deserve it.
immatureboy5 (10:42:06 PM): yeah well i will die alone but with dignity unlike you, dirty slut
giraffes are sex (10:42:56 PM): i wont sink to your level and call names. but do grow up, please. dignity levels can be raised. however you cannot. goodday.
immatureboy5 signed off at 10:43:01 PM.

well, I'm not sure why I can't keep a boy. I swear, I'm a retard. I feel like a home wrecker. I meet people, who have girlfriends and I steal them away. Then they end up breaking my heart, and being lonely. so.. then, we are both ruined. I want to take someones heart, I want to captivate someone so entirely that they can't live without me. I want someone to need me so badly I could break them, but I know instead I'll be broken. I steals hurts, I eat feelings, I break people. NOT really. I'm stolen, and eatten, and broken. I lose. They hurt me, regret me. Just once I want someone to take care of me. someon to cherish me. I doubt that will happen atleast not anytime soon. I need to get my life in order. I need to get my shit together and be on top of things. eh, fuck this.
I dont want to whine.
I have nothing to whine about.
well, I do, but love isn't something that I care to speak about. atleast not anymore.
I have money problems. and school things needing to be taken care of. friend problems. work problems. life problems. I dont need love taking over.
I own endless amounts of money to my parents. LOADS of money to credit card poeple. ugh.
*sigh*
I am NOT ready for these types of responsibilities. Its not good for me, I'm too.. uh.. busy? I dunno. I just want to relax and let thigns come to me, I'm sick of looking.
My sister has run away from home, i dont know where she is.. I haven't heard from her in a week. She ran away last monday I reported her missing tuesday morning. and she's still not found, not called.. not mentioned a thing. I wisht that she was atleast willing ot call ME ya know?
but no.. I'm scared and I have no idea

xo