One cherished moment. The feeling of true loves first kiss. Your true emotion seeps through. you become alive. you wake up from the intense sleep you've been in. Nothing else matters. nothing else exsists. i want to kiss his lips. hold him. theres a true essence in holding him. the essence of love adn desire. not realy love but feelings of intense passion. i true to make my feelings subside. i long to feel his arms around me.
Feel his hands on my warm skin. moving me wiht his body. taking me in, all of me untill i no longer exsist. making me unaware of myself and whats going on around me. making al lmy emotions dissapper so that hes the only thing that matters. NOTHING ELSE CAN BE!!!!! while my entire life is being smashed away he hold me together. keeping me from drowning. he makes all my sorrows and dispare deaden. all my happiness adn desires linger and all that is alive is him and me.
i wrote that today...i think that i miss mr. phone sex??
SYDNEY?? does this mean i truly like him??? i don't understand......uhh its too hard for me to think about it. i havent spoken to him for like 3 days now. i am REALLY missing him...he cant call me because he is letting his brother borrow is cell phone. and he has no internet access. i miss him sooooooo much. i just wish that he would call me one time this week. i know he can not but i just only wish!!!?!?
maybe on time?
BAH!?!? I finally admitted to liking Bob, but now I'm over it. haha, i can't even believe that i THOUGHT i liked him. I really thought that i was SICKLY obsessed. I didn't think that I would have gotten over it, I truly didn't know I could feel so freed. I feel like I have taken 100 pounds off my chest. Like I was held down for so long and now I can run away....no longer do I have to hide my feelings. I can speak and interact with how I feel. A lot that had to do with that was telling him how I felt. Then once I told him I could get over it. I dont even feel friendship with him anymore. I feel like he doesn't want to be friends wiht me and that's all that matters to me. So if he doesn't want to be friends wiht me anymore. Then I don't want to talk to him. A good friendship requires 2 parts. love and trust. we have neither~!?!?!!? as follows with MOST of my friendships at the moment. my friendship with paige is NEARLY all based on whether or not Stacy is talking to her. I dont feel like that is a healthy situation. What I do know is that it hurts to think that my closest friends are gone. I still have Em, Liz, and Ash. but Em only likes to chill when no one else is around. or if I go somewhere with them. But she always includes maah sister. I just dun get it. It lyk she aint realizing that t makes me unhappy to be wiht her. I dont enjoy being iwht members of maah family unless I have to. oh my god. so i have been talking ot byron for a while. we talked everyday everynight. I ran maah phone bill up to like 4 hundred dollars talking to him. and now he juss stopped talkin ta meeh. I dont understand what the FUCK did I do. I knew that once he KNEW me, juss like all the others he would run. Never wanting to speak to me, or love me, or be happy with me. Mr. Phone Sex was probably one of the only people who would stay around juss to help me out.. and now he ditches me. he's always like " i have to get going" we hadn't talked all week and when we did it like for 5 minutes and then he had to go. and he hung up on me....im juss like oh LONELY. I ditched mai friends to chill with him and he was juss like i have to go. i dont even know what to do. I got so many feelings of PAIN and sadness that I can't even begin to voice them. I have never been so truly rejected.....well its not really rejection so much as PRETENDING to want me then leaving me alone. i guess taht's not rejection. There is really no point in saying anything about it, i guess that it's really not that important. I guess it's ok for him to hurt me and I guess that my pain and lonliness is alright. Besides it only hurts when I breath and think, and speak and move. ok ok it hurts all the time. I can't believe how many times I have been rejected in the last i dont know, 3 months. this is the 5th boy to reject me. It's like they do or dont want me. GET WITH IT! come on it really is fucking wiht maah head to be put down so many times. Why couldn't I juss accent what I can have and that's nothing. because I am nothing. I feel nothing and I speak nothing. I write all day in a journal about mai feelings and I dont even really feel them. I juss told Bob that I liked him, after I said it I didn't even feel it. It was like I juss wanted to create drama for maiself. BUT WHY???!?!?? There was a feeling of relief juss after I said it. but i think that was becuz i had been lying to myself years before. I liked him like 2 years ago. and then I liked him again like last year? I dont know...junior year was strange. truly I have never hated a time in my life more than that year.
I really need to get with it. and do all my homework. I haven't done any ENGLISH homework and I haven't done any econ work. I still have maah journals from like week 3. its like week 9 now. I wonder if biezad will let me turn them in..huh? I wonder. I am really getting sick of typing to maah self so I am gonna go lay on the bed and juss lay there. PEACE
Feel his hands on my warm skin. moving me wiht his body. taking me in, all of me untill i no longer exsist. making me unaware of myself and whats going on around me. making al lmy emotions dissapper so that hes the only thing that matters. NOTHING ELSE CAN BE!!!!! while my entire life is being smashed away he hold me together. keeping me from drowning. he makes all my sorrows and dispare deaden. all my happiness adn desires linger and all that is alive is him and me.
i wrote that today...i think that i miss mr. phone sex??
SYDNEY?? does this mean i truly like him??? i don't understand......uhh its too hard for me to think about it. i havent spoken to him for like 3 days now. i am REALLY missing him...he cant call me because he is letting his brother borrow is cell phone. and he has no internet access. i miss him sooooooo much. i just wish that he would call me one time this week. i know he can not but i just only wish!!!?!?
maybe on time?
BAH!?!? I finally admitted to liking Bob, but now I'm over it. haha, i can't even believe that i THOUGHT i liked him. I really thought that i was SICKLY obsessed. I didn't think that I would have gotten over it, I truly didn't know I could feel so freed. I feel like I have taken 100 pounds off my chest. Like I was held down for so long and now I can run away....no longer do I have to hide my feelings. I can speak and interact with how I feel. A lot that had to do with that was telling him how I felt. Then once I told him I could get over it. I dont even feel friendship with him anymore. I feel like he doesn't want to be friends wiht me and that's all that matters to me. So if he doesn't want to be friends wiht me anymore. Then I don't want to talk to him. A good friendship requires 2 parts. love and trust. we have neither~!?!?!!? as follows with MOST of my friendships at the moment. my friendship with paige is NEARLY all based on whether or not Stacy is talking to her. I dont feel like that is a healthy situation. What I do know is that it hurts to think that my closest friends are gone. I still have Em, Liz, and Ash. but Em only likes to chill when no one else is around. or if I go somewhere with them. But she always includes maah sister. I just dun get it. It lyk she aint realizing that t makes me unhappy to be wiht her. I dont enjoy being iwht members of maah family unless I have to. oh my god. so i have been talking ot byron for a while. we talked everyday everynight. I ran maah phone bill up to like 4 hundred dollars talking to him. and now he juss stopped talkin ta meeh. I dont understand what the FUCK did I do. I knew that once he KNEW me, juss like all the others he would run. Never wanting to speak to me, or love me, or be happy with me. Mr. Phone Sex was probably one of the only people who would stay around juss to help me out.. and now he ditches me. he's always like " i have to get going" we hadn't talked all week and when we did it like for 5 minutes and then he had to go. and he hung up on me....im juss like oh LONELY. I ditched mai friends to chill with him and he was juss like i have to go. i dont even know what to do. I got so many feelings of PAIN and sadness that I can't even begin to voice them. I have never been so truly rejected.....well its not really rejection so much as PRETENDING to want me then leaving me alone. i guess taht's not rejection. There is really no point in saying anything about it, i guess that it's really not that important. I guess it's ok for him to hurt me and I guess that my pain and lonliness is alright. Besides it only hurts when I breath and think, and speak and move. ok ok it hurts all the time. I can't believe how many times I have been rejected in the last i dont know, 3 months. this is the 5th boy to reject me. It's like they do or dont want me. GET WITH IT! come on it really is fucking wiht maah head to be put down so many times. Why couldn't I juss accent what I can have and that's nothing. because I am nothing. I feel nothing and I speak nothing. I write all day in a journal about mai feelings and I dont even really feel them. I juss told Bob that I liked him, after I said it I didn't even feel it. It was like I juss wanted to create drama for maiself. BUT WHY???!?!?? There was a feeling of relief juss after I said it. but i think that was becuz i had been lying to myself years before. I liked him like 2 years ago. and then I liked him again like last year? I dont know...junior year was strange. truly I have never hated a time in my life more than that year.
I really need to get with it. and do all my homework. I haven't done any ENGLISH homework and I haven't done any econ work. I still have maah journals from like week 3. its like week 9 now. I wonder if biezad will let me turn them in..huh? I wonder. I am really getting sick of typing to maah self so I am gonna go lay on the bed and juss lay there. PEACE
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