To me celibacy has always been something I was never interested in. Not until recently did I realize it may be something that will help me recontrsust my life. I had been thinking to myself I'd really love to take a healthy/emotion-free break from sex. And with that I'd also be taking a break from relationships. My hope from this experience is to lose all the emotional ties I hold with certain men, and also to gain the strength to make new memories and ties with new people. Considering I've never had a healthy sexual relationship I believe it wil be a good for a change, to use celibacy as a reason for distancing myself sexually from others.
Distance is very important to me, because I don't really like being touched, in a romantic way or a sexual way. I dislike it so much, I guess you could say I hate it. Now, I'm aware that "hate" is such a strong word, and I am aware that it's power is hardly ever used for good... but I can't help what I can't stand. I've dealt with too many disrespectful and bad relationships. I can never differentiate someone who actually cares and someone who is just using me as a sexual object. I feel like no one I've ever been with sexually has really, truly cared for me. I suppose that's balantly obvious when I sit around heartbroken for months on end. Maybe if I didn't always put out on the first date, perhaps if my mind wasn't always set on sexual comments. Or maybe even if I didn't think sex is the only thing about me that is desirable... I wouldn't have a problem forming relationships with men. All the same, perhaps I have a problem because of what may or may not have happened to me as a child. I say "may or may not" because my mind is telling me to forget it.
It is very strange to consciously rebuild ones mind, but I've done it. Since I got out of the hospital I've been super healthy... I gained weight back, and I've even rebuilt my entire personality and views and needs and wants. It feels good to know I did it myself. I grew, I had to hit rock bottom before I could rise. I plan on spending the next three months (the months before I'm moving) to plan out what I want out of life. And also how I am going to get it.
I guess all this celibacy stuff begins wiht me not ever having a "boyfriend" with the title. It was always assumed that I was theirs, but never that they were mine. I just had to deal with what they wanted from me, which was pretty much only sex. It wasn't always romantic, either, It was more of them demanding sexuality from me, and all I did was waste time, energy, and money. I suppose my biggest mistake is letting myself be in these pseudo-"relationships" thinking I need someone to be around. I don't need it. I don't want, or need sex.
Celibacy is my choice. I need to enjoy myself, and find myself before I can continue or even come close to finding someone who would be relationship material.
My next experiment will be not having sex with someone until I'm ready. Which will most likely be six months to a year... I guess I just felt the need to post this for my own health. Basically it is so I know what is going on in my own mind. and it feels good.