i've kind of disappeared from the online spectrum, I've been writing a book about the bar scene in half moon bay. and maybe on occasion signing into an email account or two, and my myspace. interesting huh?

my computer is still in Arizona (lillie is bringing it to me in December, can't wait!) atleast then I can type and print my stories. I don't want to give too much of it away namely because its important to me that I get it completely perfect before introducing the idea to anyone.

I'm back in Half Moon Bay, my life is good. I'm very happy.
one word: NO THANKS in reference to (m) that will be my own private code for someone. hah

basically, met him in half moon bay, he sucks. bad kisser, annoying, harsh, and has no tolerance for any sarcasm. you either hate me or love me. the end. i guess he picks hate, and thats because I rejected him, hardcore. not my fault or problem. if you don't get it the first time, dont come crying to me for hurting your feelings over something like this. FUCK him. ha,
so I'm at the library and there are a shit load of people on the computers, it freaks me out man. i didn't know that so many people didn't have computers. we all know my story but I can't imagine actually NOT owning a computer, fucked up huh?

I quit smoking during the day, proud? I'll have one or two if i'm out drinking but who doesn't? hah craaaaazy.

its started raining and unfortunately my roof is still leaking, I guess my dad is gonna fix it up? not sure. we still don't get along, and I've basically jsut given up trying, ha you know? FUCK it.

i don't know what else I need to update, I'm happy I don't live in Georgia. and I'm happy I don't live in Sacramento (although, I'd really enjoy spending some time with T. :]) that cute little thing. mm!

anyway, my grandmother had a stroke a few weeks ago, and it took DAYS for her mri results to come back, but they finally did. and she's fine. she stopped drinking completey (proud!)

I've been reading a lot, sarah vowell. and doing some fantastic history research. i'm glad though, that she intergrated history and short stories! yet another literary freak to add to my list.

i love my life. a lot. starting school again probably in january... if not in the summer time. wooo. and uhm... i'm starving. i'm going to eat and enjoy life some more. and find some way home.

ciao bella!

flight 679 atl to sf. arriving 11:20. im back bitch.

there is something about my life that makes me worry a lot.

i'm scared of failing. Im scared of never seeing my family again. i'm scared of not seeing my grandmother.
but what i need to realize is that I have control over my own life. no one else does.


i need to really believe that.
i honestly need to do whatever it takes to get my life back in order. i don't necessarily know what I mean by that.
i wont do anything!


but... there are certain things that I won't do... like have sex with perez hilton.

i dunno.
i also want to see illegal tender i put that in here so i wont forget.

since i've been here in georgia i've seen a lot of good movies. not in theatres.

i had never seen them. i watched:
1. Sin city: it was really good. interesting, i hope to see more comic book style movies. jessica alba is sexy. and i love jamie king.
2. Wet Hot American Summer: hilarious. christopher meloni (the dude from law and order 'eliot stabler') was in it. HILARIOUS. "tastes like pussy!" hahahah and that woman that says "i need you to pick me up some lube *whispers* for my pussy!"
3. A scanner Darkly: it was really interesting. fucked up. kind of within someone's mind. you know? a weird drug people use all the time. very addicting. hallucinagenics. weirddddddd. but its realy good.
4. last but certainly not least harold and kumar go to whitecastle! i was so high. and they were. and fuck... it really is all about sweet satisfaction of getting the delicious munchie food you want!

that's pretty much it. i've learned a lot of random things.
i've only met one person. it's trae's friend matt. he's cool as shit. but he hates me. i don't really care i just kind of exist disliking someone is boring to me. too much effort. hahahah i hope that's how he feels about it.

i applied at the store where trae works, and at verizon i hope i get hired at either place. fuck! i need a job so bad.

i miss my mommy. and daddy. and becca. aaack! and my friends!

i'm not going to lie, right now i'm living a cooler version of my life in arizona. i wish i could have gotten more into the san francisco lifestyle. too bad all i enjoy is smoking pot. i think a good drug period in my life would be mind expanding.. but i don't want to fuck up, and ruin my life!
good times. i wish i was high.

I have a lot of things I need to get out... and I have no one to let them out to. I don't know what I am going to do. I don't know where I'm going, or where I am... I hope to get a job very soon. I applied somewhere today, where Trae works.
there are/were so many things in my life that i knew I couldnt live without, and I have none of them now. I am constantly living in this dream world where everything was how it was when I was with Dennis and everything was how it was when I lived in Half Moon Bay. I miss my father, I wont lie... I want to be around him, really bad. Why cant I just have my parents close to me? I know it sounds like... childish, and I really should grow up, but I screwed up. I made a mistake. I've made a hell of a lot of them, I guess I just want my life back. Really badly. I'm going to lay in bed.

I said "Baby, i feel stupid to call you, but i'm lonely. and i dont think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me... and i thought maybe if I kiss the way you do... you'd feel it too? "


he said, "I'm sorry. So sorry. I'm sorry. So... sorry."

he grabs my wrists as my fingers turn into angry fists, and I whisper, "Why can't you love me? I'll change for you! I'll play the part."

except for a few small bruises, cuts, and scars... I'm fine.


I've been scratching myself a little bit... no serious cutting at all. But to be honest, it's only because I dont have the right utensils. I have been so miserable, I am not sure why. I guess because i've been trying to hide the fact that I'm not over Dennis from myself, and from everyone around me. I don't want to believe that its over, I know that it is. Completely. as you read my words outloud, make me sound genius. make me sound special.... maybe Ill come down.

I've been in this wasteland of jobless, heartbreaking news stories, not being able to be near my family blues. My heart is really broken from not being about to see Rebecca grow up... I mean from one to two that's when children form their main interpersonal relations.
I spend a lot of time in a cold, dry basement. In the dark, it's furnished of course, but it is so very dark all the time. I really really wish that I had a stereo to use. I wish I could listen to CDs. I really wish so bad. and I can't wait to get my computer here. Ugggggggh. I am stoked for it!

but anyway, I'd really enjoy listening to some miserable music and cut myself, and write and read... and create romances between characters in books.

if only things were just a tiny bit different. all i need is that little bit. that small time lapse where I remember what is important to me, only minutes before leaving for Arizona. I realize that I am happy there. I stay there.
I hate that I wish for past to relive, hate it. I can't help it.

Just a little less needy and maybe I'd get there. just a little bit pretty, just a little more aware, a little bit thinner, and maybe I'd get there... I need a shower.
I'm filthy. Depression is filthy.

did you ever meet someone and immediately think of them as some sort of connection.
like a connection you couldn't play, but you know that its real. really real. it feels real.

but what feels real anymore? i don't remember the last time I had a feeling of my own. i spend all my time high from smoking weed and having day dreams and fantasies.
living my life through writing and reading. creating relationships with characters in my novels for my real life....

I'm kind of confused about where I want life to take me. I want to maintain a certain life style, and with how things are going I am not sure how easy it will be.
I want to have meaningless sex.

I believe that I met my soulmate, well, someone whose soul perfectly matches my own. someone who can read my mind, who loves everything that I love. who can endure me sexually. who wants to. who is intelligent. reads, writes, musically incline. smokes a calabash pipe. this is the person of my dreams, but what do I do? I sit here, that's my thing. I get excited for something, and I never follow through. I'm finally living somewhere away from my parents. I wish I had my car, but I don't so that makes my life 100% more difficult than it should be.
Either way, I've been having these crazy mind highs, out of body almost... I've been feeling very strange, but very good.


There is something about the way I feel that makes me forget all the past, forget anything and everything that happens in the past present and future. all that will happen.

I feel ok. alive.

i want to wake up and see my beautiful nieces smiling face. i love that little girl so much. that is my goal. not to be in a place to make myself happy. to be able to be around her growing to see how she turns out. to love her and make up for the shitty childhood where her mother was a meth addict.

i need to save money to be able to go either go visit half moon bay, or to permanently move back there. PERMANENTLY. i most definitely want to see her everyday.

that is the mistake i made. i keep feeling sorry for myself for throwing *my* life down the toilet, but i really didn't. I mean, yes,
I fucked up... but I can get back on the right track and I can make my life better. I can get a job, I don't have a fucking disgusting drug problem.

so i moved to georgia because I couldn't stay with my parents, which was my first choice. I miss them, I wont lie. I want to be around them everyday, I like being mad at my dad for not minding his own business. It makes me feel safe. I miss being yelled at for being late.

I'd love to go back there, but I can't. But I'm going to save and save and find a place to live near them. If not with them, or in town then perhaps paying for a space monthly. maybe?

:sigh:
its unfortunate when i get high and mighty and i feel as though i can conquer the world although I know I can't...

I miss being in control.