sometimes I wonder if my life is really supposed to have a path...
I mean, yes, things fall into place here and there but they've always fall through eventually.
I mean, I hoped to always follow what my heart says. Of course I disoriented myself and tore myself from my life in Half Moon Bay. I discontinued friendships and basically started a life of rebuilding myself. It was something I really needed... it was easy, really.
I jsut dropped communication, stopped forming friendships and relationships and that was that.
It was something I really needed and something I had to follow through on. I really thought I had made a decision for the best. I thought that it was healthy for me to restart myself... and to be completely honest.

it was.


although, it didn't accomplish what I really wanted it to.

I guess I should update what I've done since I reformed myself.
If I would have stayed in California for 1 more month... I know I would have commit suicide, yeah thats a sad thing to admit to, but I was so unhappy. and so hopeless... there was no point in even trying in my point of view at that time.


but now things are different...

I started smoking again, I dropped everything I was doing (school, work, friends) and moved to Arizona. I fell in love with a boy named Dennis...and while when youre in love you think with your heart not you head.. its hard to understand things from another point of view. Basically... we were in love... sickingly so. How I fell in love? He kissed me on the forehead.

Anyway, we were in love. typical of me I was dreaming of what would happen in the future and got caught up. dennis was really unhappy. not with me, but with all aspects of his life (from what I understand). I wont lie... I am still in love with him but right now its not what he needs. I'm sure as nice as it is to have someone love you... its hard to deal with a relationship when you need to think of things for yourself for once.
So, he needs a new start. A new location... and there just isn't enough room for me where he is going. And I understand... not only that he needs a new start, but that staying in a relationship will be binding to a person that needs a break from his typical daily life.
Always staying here in Arizona to take care of his dad... that's not a life you can deal with when you are constantly unhappy. When you have a constant dislike for your life.

I feel now, though, that he isn't interested in making things easier for me. He prefers to keep a distance between us... but I can't help but be completely heartbroken. I feel left in the dark and relatively alone.
What you have to understand is that I have never been in love before. not a real love... I have never cared for someone the way I care for him. Its hard to accept the end of our relationship but at the same time if you love someone... you have to let them have their space. Youhave to let them do what they need to do and if it was meant to be. If it is really something that is special to both of us, that is perfect for us both... then it is perfect.


If you ever read this, I love you so much. and I wish things were different, this is ripping me apart inside and I can't pretend I dont feel anything. I can't do it like you do. I'm sorry.