bornonarocket: did your pseudo-boyfriend get a new girlfriend?
Auto response from mathandmeth: I hate when my pseudo-boyfriend gets a new girlfriend.
mathandmeth: yes
mathandmeth: fag
mathandmeth: what a fag
bornonarocket: who is your pseudo boyfriend?
mathandmeth: ugh
bornonarocket: what were you going to say?
mathandmeth: no one is considerate of my feelings.
mathandmeth: and I think people that have been dragging me along for years should fucking have the decency to tell me the truth.
bornonarocket: is someone doing that to you?
mathandmeth: everyone does that to me.
bornonarocket: anyone in particular?
mathandmeth: yes
bornonarocket: who?
mathandmeth: david.
bornonarocket: is that the guy from texas?
mathandmeth: he's not even really my boyfriend. or anything like that. i mean. i've completely cut things off with him.
mathandmeth: i just wish, even as friends, he could be honest with me about what our relationship was.
mathandmeth: i don't know. he dragged me along for so long.
bornonarocket: what does he say your relationship was?
mathandmeth: he doesn't.
mathandmeth: .he acts like it was just this big misunderstanding. and like i tried to force all these things on him. and belive it or not, i hadn't
mathandmeth: he only wanted me when he couldn't have me.
mathandmeth: something finally clicked. and i realized i needed to move on. i gave myself a little time. it had been about 8 months. that i hadn't been dealing with him
mathandmeth: and then i started seeing you
mathandmeth: and then he found out about it.
mathandmeth: and this dramatic... him trying to win me over thing
mathandmeth: started
mathandmeth: and of course, i cling to you. which is why i did. and i'm sure you noticed, that i was awfully clingy
mathandmeth: today, something sort of clicked. and... my depressioin, became very clear.
bornonarocket: what clicked?
mathandmeth: I'm not sure.
bornonarocket: is he still trying to win you over?
mathandmeth: You said something along the lines of "you should go play outside" and I was thinking... fuck all this. all the drama in my life. with david. he's so jealous of someone he doesn't know anytihng about (you, of course)
mathandmeth: I realized that I'm never going to be good enough for him. and I was never good enough for him, because in his eyes, perfection is ignorance. and hurt. he liked for me to hurt..
mathandmeth: He disliked the fact that I was in college, the fact that Iw as intelligent.
mathandmeth: He disliked my open mind, and my ridiculous hunger for music and art
mathandmeth: He didin't appreciate my poetry, refused to read anything I've ever shown him.
mathandmeth: I'm so sorry. You're busy.
mathandmeth: I didn't mean to bother you.
mathandmeth: I'm so sorry.
mathandmeth: Oh, you messaged me.
bornonarocket: no im not busy im just reading
mathandmeth: I forgot that you m essaged me.
bornonarocket: you ttype really fast its hard to keep up
mathandmeth: I'm sorry
mathandmeth: I just get so infuriated. and into what I'm saying
mathandmeth: and it's hard to express my emotion through AIM
mathandmeth: and, yeah, he's still trying to win me over.
mathandmeth: every chance he gets, he makes comments like.. "you know I care about you so much, right?"
mathandmeth: "i miss you all the time"
mathandmeth: "i wish you were here"
bornonarocket: why do you keep on talking to him?
mathandmeth: blahblahblah
mathandmeth: I'm too nice.
mathandmeth: You know it, I know it.
bornonarocket: you should just cut him off
mathandmeth: old dead dreams: is this about the stepahanie wants to marry me thing?
Auto response from mathandmeth: I hate when my pseudo-boyfriend gets a new girlfriend.
mathandmeth: I'm so tired of this, of you. us.
old dead dreams: that girl can't stand me.
mathandmeth: don't explain your life to me, david.
mathandmeth: it's not my business.
old dead dreams: alright.
mathandmeth: he's so repulsive.
bornonarocket: does he have a girlfriend?
Auto response from mathandmeth: I hate when my pseudo-boyfriend gets a new girlfriend.
mathandmeth: I don't know, and I don't care.
bornonarocket: he sounds like an ass
mathandmeth: He is.
mathandmeth: He's ridiculous.
mathandmeth: God, the things I just told you, aren't even tredding the water.
mathandmeth: I'm honestly suprised that I'm able to function. the way he's treated me.
mathandmeth: he's psychologically damaged me.
bornonarocket: you really should just stop talking to him, thats going to ruin everything you work up in therepy
mathandmeth: no no, I don't think I need therapy.
mathandmeth: I need to get rid of him.
mathandmeth: and just... talk to people I trust.
mathandmeth: I have a few, even with my mood swings. Ha, and I think I'm fine.
bornonarocket: if thats what you think will work best go for it
mathandmeth: what were you going to say?
bornonarocket: nothing sorry, i said my piece
bornonarocket: do you think you can cut him out of your life?
mathandmeth: So, I was trying to have a conversation with him, I have so much that I want to say to him. I want to tell him all the things he's done to me. all the problems he's caused.
mathandmeth: yes.
mathandmeth: I want to.
mathandmeth: I hardly talk to him now
mathandmeth: It won't be hard
mathandmeth: and it's only online, every... gosh, week or so.
mathandmeth: Thank you so much for letting me vent to you. I mean, I have so much more to say, but I don't want to fry your brain.
bornonarocket: you can say what ever you need to
mathandmeth: Are you sure? I really don't want to bother you while you're working.
bornonarocket: go for it, i can handle
mathandmeth: :sigh: All right, there's this feeling that you get when you've reached the bottom of abuse. I'd imagine it feels like someone holding you underwater and just before you die... right at that moment.
mathandmeth: Well... that's how my insides, my stomacha nd heart have felt for the last well... for a almost two years before I met you. and then.. the last...since, we stopped... whatever-ing.
mathandmeth: Between him, and my father, my emotional withdrawls were getting closer and closer together.
mathandmeth: I would just have emotional breakdowns. for no apparent reason
mathandmeth: (Honestly, I could go on for hours, just tell me when you get tired of my rambling, or you have to go, or I'm getting annoying)
bornonarocket: i'll let you know
mathandmeth: I spents hours and hours, when I lived with my parents just sitting in my room cutting myself, and crying with slashes on my thighs and my arms. I felt like I had a really dysfunctional family life, then David was my second REAL relationship( I had dated a few people... but, never relationship status. Not serious like him) was another abusive man in my lfe.
mathandmeth: I've really dealt with nothing but abusive relationships.
mathandmeth: I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship.
mathandmeth: Which is pretty shameful for me, I am very ashamed of the people I have been with and the personalities I have succumbed to, I've totally been a submissive in every relationship
mathandmeth: I adjust to their wants, needs, times, places.
mathandmeth: Whatever
mathandmeth: Anyway, I always love, and easily.
mathandmeth: I guess it is hard for me not to love especially when it comes to relationships, because I really never had a loving father figure. (It's sad that I could be my own therapist)
mathandmeth: It was never hard for me to cope wiht heartbreak until david.... he broke my heart, atleat... 300 times. In the last 2 years.
mathandmeth: I should write a book about my life.
bornonarocket: if it helps maybe you should
mathandmeth: Are you reading this stuff? Or just allowing me to ramble? It's all right either way
mathandmeth: You don't have to read any of it.
bornonarocket: i have been reading everything you wrote
mathandmeth: Oh okay.
mathandmeth: Questions? Comments?
bornonarocket: no i think i understand pretty well
mathandmeth: I have a way with explaining things.
mathandmeth: Anyway, may I go on? Or have I should I stop?
bornonarocket: you can keep going if you would like
mathandmeth: It's really up to you. I can go on.
bornonarocket: go ahead
mathandmeth: Okay, so, the first time I told david that I loved him his reponse was "I love you, too, Sally" (Sally is/was his best friend)
mathandmeth: It was the most traumatizing experience for me. I had never been more humiliated.
mathandmeth: He didn't even realize that he said it. We were actually on the phone, and I hjad just moved back here.
bornonarocket: this guy is an idiot
mathandmeth: and he was about to go to bed, I talked to him the next day, and he didn't say anything about it. Yeah, I know.
mathandmeth: Before he had said he that time he refused tos ay it. He said he wasn't ready.
mathandmeth: It wasn't the right time.
mathandmeth: Blahblahblahblah, "I'm david, I'm better than everyone, and Ilisten to stupid posi hardcore music"
mathandmeth: I finally made a comment a few days later and he accused me of making it up.
mathandmeth: and wouldn't talk to me
mathandmeth: for about a week or so.
bornonarocket: jeez
mathandmeth: I was emotionally distraught just from him calling me her name. I mean, he had cheated on his ex girlfriend with her.
mathandmeth: I mean... not cheated.
mathandmeth: but they had kissed... and, and gone on a few dates
mathandmeth: and were always together, and hiding from his ex
mathandmeth: which is fucked up.
mathandmeth: so... she lives down the street from him.
mathandmeth: and I was back in California, so what was I to think.
mathandmeth: So... I was a wreck. then... when he finally started talking to me again. he acted like he didn't trust me. and like we had to start over. and all this garbage
mathandmeth: we spent so much time. with him. breaking my heart, and then blaming me for it
mathandmeth: and him not talking to me
mathandmeth: and then
mathandmeth: him being different, and making us start over again
mathandmeth: and again, and again and again
mathandmeth: that two years had gone by
mathandmeth: and we still weren't. boyfriend/girlfriend (by title) i mean, of course, it was given. because if i were to talk to someone else. it would shatter him
mathandmeth: but he was allowed to do anything he wanted.
mathandmeth: there have been so many restrictions on my life
mathandmeth: because of him
mathandmeth: for the last few years
mathandmeth: I just... have been worn down... so low, then lower and lower, and lower.
mathandmeth: and then, I hit that point. the drowning point.
bornonarocket: i will be right back, i have to run to the kitchen for a sec
mathandmeth: sure
bornonarocket: ok im back sorry about thhat
mathandmeth: It's all right.
bornonarocket: you can go on if you would like
mathandmeth: That's pretty much it.
mathandmeth: He drowned me.
bornonarocket: i see, well I am glad that you arent going to talk to him, he's a poisin
mathandmeth: I agree
mathandmeth: Thank you.
Auto response from mathandmeth: I hate when my pseudo-boyfriend gets a new girlfriend.
mathandmeth: yes
mathandmeth: fag
mathandmeth: what a fag
bornonarocket: who is your pseudo boyfriend?
mathandmeth: ugh
bornonarocket: what were you going to say?
mathandmeth: no one is considerate of my feelings.
mathandmeth: and I think people that have been dragging me along for years should fucking have the decency to tell me the truth.
bornonarocket: is someone doing that to you?
mathandmeth: everyone does that to me.
bornonarocket: anyone in particular?
mathandmeth: yes
bornonarocket: who?
mathandmeth: david.
bornonarocket: is that the guy from texas?
mathandmeth: he's not even really my boyfriend. or anything like that. i mean. i've completely cut things off with him.
mathandmeth: i just wish, even as friends, he could be honest with me about what our relationship was.
mathandmeth: i don't know. he dragged me along for so long.
bornonarocket: what does he say your relationship was?
mathandmeth: he doesn't.
mathandmeth: .he acts like it was just this big misunderstanding. and like i tried to force all these things on him. and belive it or not, i hadn't
mathandmeth: he only wanted me when he couldn't have me.
mathandmeth: something finally clicked. and i realized i needed to move on. i gave myself a little time. it had been about 8 months. that i hadn't been dealing with him
mathandmeth: and then i started seeing you
mathandmeth: and then he found out about it.
mathandmeth: and this dramatic... him trying to win me over thing
mathandmeth: started
mathandmeth: and of course, i cling to you. which is why i did. and i'm sure you noticed, that i was awfully clingy
mathandmeth: today, something sort of clicked. and... my depressioin, became very clear.
bornonarocket: what clicked?
mathandmeth: I'm not sure.
bornonarocket: is he still trying to win you over?
mathandmeth: You said something along the lines of "you should go play outside" and I was thinking... fuck all this. all the drama in my life. with david. he's so jealous of someone he doesn't know anytihng about (you, of course)
mathandmeth: I realized that I'm never going to be good enough for him. and I was never good enough for him, because in his eyes, perfection is ignorance. and hurt. he liked for me to hurt..
mathandmeth: He disliked the fact that I was in college, the fact that Iw as intelligent.
mathandmeth: He disliked my open mind, and my ridiculous hunger for music and art
mathandmeth: He didin't appreciate my poetry, refused to read anything I've ever shown him.
mathandmeth: I'm so sorry. You're busy.
mathandmeth: I didn't mean to bother you.
mathandmeth: I'm so sorry.
mathandmeth: Oh, you messaged me.
bornonarocket: no im not busy im just reading
mathandmeth: I forgot that you m essaged me.
bornonarocket: you ttype really fast its hard to keep up
mathandmeth: I'm sorry
mathandmeth: I just get so infuriated. and into what I'm saying
mathandmeth: and it's hard to express my emotion through AIM
mathandmeth: and, yeah, he's still trying to win me over.
mathandmeth: every chance he gets, he makes comments like.. "you know I care about you so much, right?"
mathandmeth: "i miss you all the time"
mathandmeth: "i wish you were here"
bornonarocket: why do you keep on talking to him?
mathandmeth: blahblahblah
mathandmeth: I'm too nice.
mathandmeth: You know it, I know it.
bornonarocket: you should just cut him off
mathandmeth: old dead dreams: is this about the stepahanie wants to marry me thing?
Auto response from mathandmeth: I hate when my pseudo-boyfriend gets a new girlfriend.
mathandmeth: I'm so tired of this, of you. us.
old dead dreams: that girl can't stand me.
mathandmeth: don't explain your life to me, david.
mathandmeth: it's not my business.
old dead dreams: alright.
mathandmeth: he's so repulsive.
bornonarocket: does he have a girlfriend?
Auto response from mathandmeth: I hate when my pseudo-boyfriend gets a new girlfriend.
mathandmeth: I don't know, and I don't care.
bornonarocket: he sounds like an ass
mathandmeth: He is.
mathandmeth: He's ridiculous.
mathandmeth: God, the things I just told you, aren't even tredding the water.
mathandmeth: I'm honestly suprised that I'm able to function. the way he's treated me.
mathandmeth: he's psychologically damaged me.
bornonarocket: you really should just stop talking to him, thats going to ruin everything you work up in therepy
mathandmeth: no no, I don't think I need therapy.
mathandmeth: I need to get rid of him.
mathandmeth: and just... talk to people I trust.
mathandmeth: I have a few, even with my mood swings. Ha, and I think I'm fine.
bornonarocket: if thats what you think will work best go for it
mathandmeth: what were you going to say?
bornonarocket: nothing sorry, i said my piece
bornonarocket: do you think you can cut him out of your life?
mathandmeth: So, I was trying to have a conversation with him, I have so much that I want to say to him. I want to tell him all the things he's done to me. all the problems he's caused.
mathandmeth: yes.
mathandmeth: I want to.
mathandmeth: I hardly talk to him now
mathandmeth: It won't be hard
mathandmeth: and it's only online, every... gosh, week or so.
mathandmeth: Thank you so much for letting me vent to you. I mean, I have so much more to say, but I don't want to fry your brain.
bornonarocket: you can say what ever you need to
mathandmeth: Are you sure? I really don't want to bother you while you're working.
bornonarocket: go for it, i can handle
mathandmeth: :sigh: All right, there's this feeling that you get when you've reached the bottom of abuse. I'd imagine it feels like someone holding you underwater and just before you die... right at that moment.
mathandmeth: Well... that's how my insides, my stomacha nd heart have felt for the last well... for a almost two years before I met you. and then.. the last...since, we stopped... whatever-ing.
mathandmeth: Between him, and my father, my emotional withdrawls were getting closer and closer together.
mathandmeth: I would just have emotional breakdowns. for no apparent reason
mathandmeth: (Honestly, I could go on for hours, just tell me when you get tired of my rambling, or you have to go, or I'm getting annoying)
bornonarocket: i'll let you know
mathandmeth: I spents hours and hours, when I lived with my parents just sitting in my room cutting myself, and crying with slashes on my thighs and my arms. I felt like I had a really dysfunctional family life, then David was my second REAL relationship( I had dated a few people... but, never relationship status. Not serious like him) was another abusive man in my lfe.
mathandmeth: I've really dealt with nothing but abusive relationships.
mathandmeth: I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship.
mathandmeth: Which is pretty shameful for me, I am very ashamed of the people I have been with and the personalities I have succumbed to, I've totally been a submissive in every relationship
mathandmeth: I adjust to their wants, needs, times, places.
mathandmeth: Whatever
mathandmeth: Anyway, I always love, and easily.
mathandmeth: I guess it is hard for me not to love especially when it comes to relationships, because I really never had a loving father figure. (It's sad that I could be my own therapist)
mathandmeth: It was never hard for me to cope wiht heartbreak until david.... he broke my heart, atleat... 300 times. In the last 2 years.
mathandmeth: I should write a book about my life.
bornonarocket: if it helps maybe you should
mathandmeth: Are you reading this stuff? Or just allowing me to ramble? It's all right either way
mathandmeth: You don't have to read any of it.
bornonarocket: i have been reading everything you wrote
mathandmeth: Oh okay.
mathandmeth: Questions? Comments?
bornonarocket: no i think i understand pretty well
mathandmeth: I have a way with explaining things.
mathandmeth: Anyway, may I go on? Or have I should I stop?
bornonarocket: you can keep going if you would like
mathandmeth: It's really up to you. I can go on.
bornonarocket: go ahead
mathandmeth: Okay, so, the first time I told david that I loved him his reponse was "I love you, too, Sally" (Sally is/was his best friend)
mathandmeth: It was the most traumatizing experience for me. I had never been more humiliated.
mathandmeth: He didn't even realize that he said it. We were actually on the phone, and I hjad just moved back here.
bornonarocket: this guy is an idiot
mathandmeth: and he was about to go to bed, I talked to him the next day, and he didn't say anything about it. Yeah, I know.
mathandmeth: Before he had said he that time he refused tos ay it. He said he wasn't ready.
mathandmeth: It wasn't the right time.
mathandmeth: Blahblahblahblah, "I'm david, I'm better than everyone, and Ilisten to stupid posi hardcore music"
mathandmeth: I finally made a comment a few days later and he accused me of making it up.
mathandmeth: and wouldn't talk to me
mathandmeth: for about a week or so.
bornonarocket: jeez
mathandmeth: I was emotionally distraught just from him calling me her name. I mean, he had cheated on his ex girlfriend with her.
mathandmeth: I mean... not cheated.
mathandmeth: but they had kissed... and, and gone on a few dates
mathandmeth: and were always together, and hiding from his ex
mathandmeth: which is fucked up.
mathandmeth: so... she lives down the street from him.
mathandmeth: and I was back in California, so what was I to think.
mathandmeth: So... I was a wreck. then... when he finally started talking to me again. he acted like he didn't trust me. and like we had to start over. and all this garbage
mathandmeth: we spent so much time. with him. breaking my heart, and then blaming me for it
mathandmeth: and him not talking to me
mathandmeth: and then
mathandmeth: him being different, and making us start over again
mathandmeth: and again, and again and again
mathandmeth: that two years had gone by
mathandmeth: and we still weren't. boyfriend/girlfriend (by title) i mean, of course, it was given. because if i were to talk to someone else. it would shatter him
mathandmeth: but he was allowed to do anything he wanted.
mathandmeth: there have been so many restrictions on my life
mathandmeth: because of him
mathandmeth: for the last few years
mathandmeth: I just... have been worn down... so low, then lower and lower, and lower.
mathandmeth: and then, I hit that point. the drowning point.
bornonarocket: i will be right back, i have to run to the kitchen for a sec
mathandmeth: sure
bornonarocket: ok im back sorry about thhat
mathandmeth: It's all right.
bornonarocket: you can go on if you would like
mathandmeth: That's pretty much it.
mathandmeth: He drowned me.
bornonarocket: i see, well I am glad that you arent going to talk to him, he's a poisin
mathandmeth: I agree
mathandmeth: Thank you.
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